By Ruth Conniff
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Once again disappointment humps my leg. It’s still early but so far this summer I have not been invited to one Higgs boson Discovery party. And I have an amazing outfit. Not to give it all away, but I had consulted with several Lady Gaga designers.
Do people not know how amazing the discovery of the Higgs boson really is? They know all things Kardashian, Holmes-Cruise and America’s Got Talent but they don’t know Higgs. On a scale of one to Copernicus, it’s huge.
Researchers at the European Organization for Nuclear Research’s (CERN) Large Hadron Collider straddling the Swiss-French border recently found the footprint of the so-called God particle and it’s not Roger Federer. They postulate that the particle will give the building blocks of matter mass and explain some basic facts about the universe, like why summer Cape traffic jams up so infuriatingly on the rotary to the Sagamore Bridge.
Like many science reporters, I am no good explaining the details of CERN’s intensive, expensive experiments or the ramifications of the discovery for future generations, but I can’t wait for the anti-evolution creationists, flat earthers and atheists to start trying to ‘splain away this thing.
The folks down at the Creation Museum, who think the world came full form out of God’s head four thousand years ago, are going to pretend that the Big Bang date of fourteen billion years ago is a misprint. Too many zeros. They can’t count that high because they were the children left behind in math class.
The yammering atheists will never believe there is a god particle. They are convinced that their well-articulated lack of belief will bring down the whole religious-industrial complex. As if the Catholic Church needs any help with self-destruction.
Of course some have claimed that they discovered the Higgs boson first. Google’s self-congratulatory claim that they’d found it in .004 seconds was discredited as was HRC’s claim that they had a team of LGBT scientists working on it for years. Even my beloved’s claim that she had found it while colliding some artisanal beets in her new Brevill centrifugal juicer is under dispute.
But she did make a divine borscht. We will serve it at our own Higgs boson party.
If you liked this article by Kate Clinton, a columnist for The Progressive magazine, check out some of her other pieces by clicking here.