By Anonymous (not verified) on November 02, 2012

Today the New York Times has fundamentally debunked the Fox News/Republican/Clint Eastwood talking point that no attempt was made to prevent the murder of U.S. diplomats in Benghazi, Libya. With just days before Barack Obama—more than likely—wins reelection, it seems that the last wild conspiracy has fallen apart.

Trump has moved on from mere birtherism to college record charity blackmail.

Jerome Corsi has long since uprooted his Kenyan delusions in favor of “proving” Obama is gay with photos of him wearing a ring.

The “Obama's mom was a porn star” meme didn't seem to gain much traction either.

Then there was that guy who said that he and Obama used to teleport to Mars. Seriously.

And even the last minute mystery DVDs being shipped to likely Florida voters, which purportedly sheds light on Obama's “real” communist father, is being discounted by many as dirty politics.

Well, time is running out for a new a ridiculous right-wing theory to sway the election, so for your edutainment I have compiled the following list of possibilities:

10. “Barack Obama” is an undead ghoul named Bronco Bamma

Born Bronco Bamma in 1587, parts unknown, “Barack Obama” is an ageless mythological creature that feeds off the tears of exhausted little girls.

9. Barack Obama is an undeveloped GM prototype

Those “ears” making a little more sense now? How about that bailout? Ever see Steven King's Christine? Think about it. I haven't.

8. Barack Obama is Bigfoot

You ever seen them in the same forest at the same time? Exactly.

7. Barack Obama is a Wall Street Shill

Oh. Wait. This one's actually true. Never mind.

6. Barack Obama is made of crack cocaine

“Ba-rock” Obama was the CIA codename for the cocaine it sold to LA drug gangs, the profit of which funded the Nicaraguan Contras. You remember the film Traffic with Michael Douglas? And how the dolls were actually made out of drugs? Basically, Barack Obama is one of those drug dolls, who came to life—à la Child's Play—to destroy America. Yeah. That. I guess. Or whatever.

5. Barack Obama is a robot controlled by Alex Jones

The evidence is everywhere. Open your eyes, sheeple!

4. Barack Obama's presidency was never legitimate
Remember when Chief Justice Robert's flubbed the swearing in at Obama's inauguration? Ah-ha! It never counted. Wait. What? I just Googled this, and some lunatics were actually saying this at the time. Damn. I thought I made this up. What the hell is wrong with you people?

3. Barack Obama is a ghost

In an M. Knight Shyamalan-esque twist, you can only see and hear the president because you've been dead for the entire movie! Whoa.

2. Barack Obama, Faster and Furiouser

Despite the hyper-partisan efforts of Darrel Issa, and the ghost of Andrew Brietbart, Fortune roundly debunked the fallacious premise that the ATF intentionally walked guns into Mexico. However, there's certainly something sinister about making guns that can walk. Sooner or later, those guns will be running—flying around and murdering U.S. citizens in foreign lands. What am I saying? That totally hypothetical thing would be awesome. I mean, Obamer wants to take your flying guns away!

1. Barack Obama is really a black guy
The basketball. That Al Green riff. What I presume are menthol cigarettes. Some other stereotypical thing! Coincidence? And most damning, have you ever noticed how it looks like Obama has more melanin than every other previous president? Absolutely shocking. Someone call Tucker Carlson!

Follow Murphy on Twitter.

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By Wendell Berry

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more 
of everything ready made. Be afraid 
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery 
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card 
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something 
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know. 
So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord. 
Love the world. Work for nothing. 
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it. 
Denounce the government and embrace 
the flag. Hope to live in that free 
republic for which it stands. 
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man 
has not encountered he has not destroyed.
Ask the questions that have no answers. 
Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.


Say that the leaves are harvested 
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus 
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion—put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come. 
Expect the end of the world. Laugh. 
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts. 
So long as women do not go cheap 
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy 
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep 
of a woman near to giving birth? 
Go with your love to the fields.
Lie easy in the shade. Rest your head 
in her lap. Swear allegiance 
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos 
can predict the motions of your mind, 
lose it. Leave it as a sign 
to mark the false trail, the way 
you didn’t go. Be like the fox 
who makes more tracks than necessary, 
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Wendell Berry is a poet, farmer, and environmentalist in Kentucky. This poem, first published in 1973, is reprinted by permission of the author and appears in his “New Collected Poems” (Counterpoint).

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