Maybe Obama should have let the NSA handle healthcare.gov. After all, they have all our information and probably know which plan best fits.
Obama’s strengths are inspiration, vision and focus. Turning him into a bipartisan baby sitter is like throwing a saddle on a fish. You don’t send a Constitutional lawyer into the Wrangler National Rodeo Finals and expect him to end the night wearing a Champion Bullrider trophy buckle.
The last couple months witnessed a bout of Administration policy blunders that made the rounds of disastrous to calamitous with a side trip to fiasco.
If Kathleen Sebelius oversaw the creation of the Cloud, it would be called the Smog and leak antifreeze.
We Tea Partiers and only we Tea Partiers are listening to the real heartbeat of this country. Nobody else has the same filter. Which is made out of tinfoil.
What the country seems to be seeking here is a little something called political responsibility. Which is real similar to saying Fukushima sushi, formal jeans, Catholic condom, Wyoming bouillabaisse, Amish website, tasty tofu, clean coal, marijuana initiative, Tea Party logic, or Fox News.
Government’s closed, everybody! Go home. Except Congress, that is, whose members are still getting paid, classified as “essential workers.” Although right now, neither one of those words seems very apt or ept. Unapt and inept is more like it.
Senator Ahab has gone from distressed to obsessed to a little shy of possessed in his delirious struggle to kill the white whale -- that is, repeal ObamaCare.
To all the people accusing the President of sending mixed messages, so sorry for the rain delay in your regularly scheduled war. Hope the postponement of the cessation of human life hasn’t inconvenienced you
The GOP road to the White House in 2016 promises to be just a tad rocky, with immense and immovable internal obstacles to be negotiated. And no, we're not talking about Chris Christie.
10,000 kudos to all our friends in the LGBT community for finally upgrading out of societal steerage into economy.You are one notarized slip of paper away from joining the heterosexual world in holy matrimony. Congratulations. You now have the legal right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
The revelations on Benghazi have been as startling as mint jelly on lamb. Tragic violent events occurring in the Middle East? Oh no! Not that. Perpetual infighting amongst government agencies? That couldn’t happen here, could it? Republicans accusing a Democratic administration of not being patriotic enough? What are the odds?
So the Justice Department is going to investigate the Justice Department's seizure of reporters' phone records. Expect the Justice Department to find nothing went wrong.
And now for a few choice words about the recent Senate vote which scuttled universal background checks on gun purchases. And the first three of those words are… Yellow- Bellied Cowards. Here’s a couple more. Gutless Craven Chicken- Hearted Invertebrates.
Forget the robin. Ignore the tulips. Baseball is back and all is right with the world. “Play Ball!” And Go Giants!
The final disposition on same-sex marriage probably depends on which side of the bed Justice Kennedy wakes up.
Pope Benedict announced he is resigning on February 28th. He then expects to go into training and is favored to win this year’s Tour de France.
Gov. Jindal says the GOP has to stop being the stupid party. Tall order. First, stop being the "hate anyone who isn’t like me" party.
Right after the President was sworn in, he was sworn at.
And so we bid a not- so- fond farewell to the departing annum. It was an oil soaked pelican of years. The Year of Living Stupidly.
The purpose of semi-automatic rifles that can fire hundreds of pieces of lead faster than the speed of sound in mere seconds is to kill PEOPLE. Yes, of course they can be used as legitimate hunting rifles. You can also use a flame- thrower to light a cigarette.
The GOP’s newest fiscal cliff proposal includes cutting taxes for the rich. These guys compromise like a platypus rewires.
The GOP seems to have altered Kubler-Ross’s 5 stages of Grief. Now, they’re denial, anger, bargaining, depression--and finger-pointing.
The GOP is criticizing Chris Christie for working with POTUS. So, bipartisanship, fine in theory. But in actual practice, not so much.
One thing you can say about Romney. He certainly is philosophically limber. Like one of those plastic wind tube guys at used car lots.
You think Bill Clinton has volunteered to help Barack Obama investigate Mitt Romney’s “binders full of women”?
The GOP accused the Vice President of being loud, overbearing and rude. The very same qualities they called bold and commanding when Romney wore them in the first debate. Hey, you guys: make up your mind. Pot- kettle- black much?
A surprisingly large segment of America tuned into the first Presidential debate, but for some odd reason, President Obama did not appear among them.
The October Surprise is the joker in the American electoral deck of cards. Dealt under the table and below the belt. After minds have been made up and money spent, a well- played OS can turn a game around quicker than three crews of NFL replacement refs.
If Bain Capital were running Romney’s campaign, they’d fire everybody, close it down and hire some Chinese guy to do it cheaper and better.
The Most Important Election of our Lifetime. Yes. Again.
I spent two weeks watching the best our political parties have to offer, and it’s apparent the Democrats have a deep bench, while the Republicans have an empty chair and two empty suits.
What a speech Wed. night. We heard the most persuasive argument yet to re elect President Bill Clinton. Er, unh, I mean, Barack Obama.
Got to love it: The GOP's one big time showbiz celebrity upstages the nominee's acceptance speech by losing an argument with an empty chair.
Todd Akin is a member of the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology? Let’s hope his concentration is on space and technology. Notwithstanding the space between his ears.
Ryan doesn’t do much to help with Romney’s Richie Rich problem either. Wealthy son of a Janesville, Wisconsin highway contractor, he amended his financial disclosure statement in March, having forgotten to include a $5 million trust account. Then again, who among us hasn’t forgotten a multi million dollar trust account? “Now where did I put that pesky Five Mil? Must be in my other pants pockets.”
Sarah Palin won’t be speaking at the GOP National Convention,which is upsetting many Republicans. And more Democrats. And all comedians.
Possible skeletons buried in the Mitt Romney tax crypts: He doesn’t just have a bank account in the Cayman Islands; he owns 2 of the three Cayman Islands.
Inspired by Larry Ellison’s purchase of the Hawaiian Island of Lanai, the Koch Brothers have offered $200 billion for 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. As is.
Mitt Romney makes a void look cluttered.
"Not the kind of guy who would hold you down and cut your hair, unless you really were asking for it.”
“Pretty down to earth for someone building a 57 room mansion with a car elevator.”
“Survived the mean streets of Bloomfield Hills.”
“Mitt Romney. When good things happen to bland people.”
Obama's was no eon-eating, natural-selection-type evolution; this native political animal spontaneously grew flippers and walked on dry land, prodded only by a nudge from the Biden fossil. Come to think of it, maybe flippers aren’t the only body parts BHO grew.
A seemingly insurmountable hill the president needs to climb lies amongst crotchety old Wyoming heart- transplant recipients with daughters who could bite your head off in a minute.
Remember way back when his own staffer said Mitt Romney had the convictions of an Etch- A- Sketch? Well, stand back, because as we speak, the former Governor of Massachusetts is being flipped over and shaken so hard the fillings in the back teeth of his whole family are starting to rattle and cascade like some great crumbling Utah Butte.
The future of American health care depends which side of the bed Justice Anthony Kennedy wakes up on Decision Day. We might want to get this guy a date. Anything to put him in a good mood.
One of Romney's staffers offered up a perfect crystallization: the Etch- A- Sketch candidate. The major difference being, the child’s toy works via magnetism, a concept that continues to elude the former governor of Massachusetts.
Not easy being a Muppet. Referring to Greg Smith, formerly of Goldman Sachs, who wrote an op-ed in the New York Times about the company's relentlessly spiraling moral depravity, which includes mockingly scorning clients as Muppets. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. A complete shocker- big time brokerage firm with little or no conscience. My God. What next? High school prom parties where beer is served? Charley Sheen coming to on the floor of a Vegas hotel after noon?
Santorum would love to see Gingrich drop out in order to isolate Romney, but Newt refuses to wilt. It’s that old sports aphorism: “You can’t stop him; all you can do is hope to contain him." And the Newtster seems to be contained. In the Southeast. Perhaps the Centers for Disease Control had something to do with it.
Romney's wife, who may also be known as Lovey, has suggested that he stop making off-the-cuff comments. Because the guy is beyond clueless. He's the Anti Sherlock Holmes.
Mitt Romney is not concerned about “the very poor.” Problem is, many of us suspect his definition of "very poor" consists of anybody without a permanent pastry chef on call.
Another of Mitt Romney’s problems is he looks TOO presidential. Like he was assembled out of an Ikea box. “One White Male Politician; Standard.”
Rick Santorum brags about running such a low-key campaign he flies in middle seats on United. We’re supposed to entrust the Presidency to a guy who can’t snag a decent travel agent?
Rick Santorum says gay marriage is an abomination. And any man who campaigns in a sweater vest knows about abominations.
In an unusual strategy Rick Santorum has decided to campaign as a young Mr. Rogers with rabies.
Mitt Romney is now behind in primary polls from his home state of Michigan. Was bound to happen when you call 12 states home.
One thing about Mitt, he’s definitely thrown a whole Upstairs, Downstairs spin onto the proceedings. Which presumably puts Ron Paul in the kitchen as the muttering maid. And Rick Santorum as the sneaky chauffer out by the garage pretending to wash one of the Bentleys. Watch out Mrs. Romney!
Mitt Romney is not concerned about “the very poor.” The problem is, his definition of them consists of anybody without two live-in maids.
Glad we’re not in Florida. Lot of mud being flung. Hot mud. Some stuff that doesn’t smell like mud. Hot mud with kernels of corn in it.
The SOTU is good but not great. Been great. Will be again. But not if we fall back into bad old policies from the past. Wink. Wink.
BARACK H. OBAMA 2012 STATE OF THE UNION DRINKING GAME .
I'm tickled at the GOP realization that one of these guys is going to be their nominee.
How diverse is Iowa? White, white, white, white, white, white, white. Whiter than a "Justin Bieber Christmas in Norway Special." Mashed potatoes on paper plates with a side of cauliflower white.
The GOP is rightfully worried about the spectacle of their two wealthy front-runners accusing each other of being filthy rich.
Mitt Romney stepped in doo-doo when he bet Rick Perry $10,000 in a recent debate. Apparently, to the GOP, that’s pocket change, except of course in DC, where it’s universally recognized as 2 ½ hookers.
The mad mud tossing between Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, the last two Republicans still standing, is quickly ramping up to levels not seen since the Agincourt catapults.
I’m not saying Rick Perry’s campaign is dead but even from here you can see the scuff marks on his trousers from crawling into the morgue drawer.
Newt Gingrich is rising. Bad news for America. Good news for comedy. President Newt. Almost makes President Palin sound whimsical.
Newt Gingrich has more baggage than the first flight out of O’Hare after a freak spring blizzard.
Newt Gingrich doesn’t just have skeletons in his closet, he has the whole bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad. Makes the Killing Fields look like a pre-school, toy box.
I’m not saying Newt Gingrich is crazy, but I sincerely doubt he can wrangle an endorsement from a majority of the voices in his head.
Donald Trump and Karl Rove are feuding. One of those fights destined to go into extra rounds with two MediVacs required. Hopefully. Maybe even the Jaws of Life.
For Republicans, the good news about Gingrich is everybody knows him; the bad news is, yeah, everybody knows him.
Anyone who wears a watch worth more than a house and talks about class warfare should have a goose liver hose shoved down their throat until pate leaks from their ears.
Pat Robertson called the Republican presidential field too extreme. Pat Robertson blasting his party for extremism. That’s like having your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan. And Charley Sheen is driving the van.
6 Heart attacks and the man still manages to go on a book tour. How does a guy without a heart, have 6 heart attacks? It would be like Rick Perry contracting a brain tumor.
Why I like Thanksgiving: Because this particular holiday isn’t about greasing the wheels of capitalism with the fire-hose of consumer debt, like that other holiday about a month down the road, which shall remain nameless. And this one doesn’t hide under any religious robes, either. It’s purely about the journey to Comfort City through the Gluttonous Woods. Food, family, friends and football. 4 of the 5 Fs.
Herman Cain’s staff has gone so far as to say the sexual harassment allegations have actually helped the campaign. Helped! Wow. All he needs is a false imprisonment charge, he could sew this thing right up.
I’m not saying Perry’s campaign is dead but even from here you can see the scuff marks on his trousers from crawling into the morgue drawer.
A feverish America finds itself larynx deep in the throes of a severe case of debate fatigue. As evidenced by the most recent gathering of GOP candidates in Nevada, which by any unofficial tally should count as the 367 th debate in the past four months with about 519 to go before an actual nominee is grudgingly settled upon.
When Rick Perry talks about President Obama, he gets this far away look in his eye like he’s thinking: “sure would like to execute him.”
Now leading in the polls, Mitt Romney plans to create a campaign designed to promote his personality. Sounds like a really short ad..
Rick Perry's handlers have encouraged him to sharpen his message. So now he's busy searching for a message to sharpen. Maybe he can shoot one.
Imagine Herman Cain winning the GOP nomination and bigots forced to choose between 2 black men. Their little heads would pop right off.
Instead of the Warren Buffett Rule, the GOP favors the Jimmy Buffett Rule. Anybody worrying about next month’s rent money starts drinking Margaritas until they pass out.
Anyone who wears a watch worth more than a house and talks about class warfare should have a goose liver hose shoved down their throat until pate leaks from their ears.
Rick Perry recently signed the Anti-Gay Marriage Pledge, which counteracts his previous pledge to leave the question up to the states. So, according to him, pandering to homophobia trumps states rights.
Perry claims he only entered the fray because God told him to. Of course, Michele Bachmann says God called on HER to run for President. So, either someone is fibbing, God is off his meds again, or we’re talking about two entirely different deities.
Mitt Romney keeps saying “corporations are people,” so I guess you could say he’s a people person.
Rick Perry is the candidate for those of you who could never cozy up to George Bush due to his flagrant intellectual elitism.
A 5.8 earthquake struck Eric Cantor’s district and a hurricane is headed his way later this week. Wouldn’t Jerry Falwell suggest God is targeting him?
Rick Perry is like George Bush Lite. And yes, that is redundant.
Obama is so determined to govern from the middle, there should be a double yellow line down the center of his forehead.
It appears the market is not impressed with the two- step deal Congress agreed to kicking and screaming. Look close and you can see the bones of the middle class sticking out of the confetti left over from the banking and oil industry celebrations.
Hard to understand why Progressives are so mad at Obama. After all, he didn’t do anything. Besides cave faster than an overused supply tunnel in a Chilean coal mine. The difference is, nobody’s rushing out to organize any rescue parties. Happy Birthday Mister President. Sorry we couldn’t get Marilyn to sing. Doubt if Pelosi hummed it either.
A deal has been reached ensuring professional football will be played in 2011, except in the Bay Area where we’re still stuck with the Niners and Raiders.
President Obama claims the Republicans can’t say “yes” to anything. Well, apparently he hasn’t asked if he can kiss their ass.
Speaker Boehner told his party to “get your ass in line.” And you know what happens if they do all line up: they’ll form a tunnel.
The Republicans are demanding cuts in entitlement programs, which the President said he’d consider. The Democrats have brought up the possibility of maybe raising taxes on a few rich people, which Eric Cantor, the Under Speaker of the House, says he won’t consider. And that, my friends, is pretty much where we stand right now. Although the word “stand” might be affording the participants a wee bit too much credit. Squirm. Slink. Skulk. Dodge. Creep. Crouch. Lurk. Loiter. Weasel. Cower. Any of these might be more apropos.
America is getting closer and closer to defaulting. And then you know what happens. We might have to move back in with England. Hope they’re not renting out our old room.
Hamid Karzai attending Anti-Terrorism talks with Iran and Pakistan is like TNT attending an anti-demolition conference with dynamite and nitroglycerine.
Not saying Obama might compromise too much but can you imagine being stuck behind him in a grocery checkout line while he tries to convince the cashier he wants “plaper” or “pastic.”
Barack Obama looks less adversarial than he does stoic. Like he’s constantly posing for the fifth face on Mt Rushmore.
The Administration is now doing something with the Taliban that it couldn’t imagine doing with Republicans. They’re talking.
Immediately after former Utah Governor Jon Huntsman announced he was running for President, all of America joined together to say, “Who?”
Obama is so determined to govern from the middle of the road, I’m surprised there isn’t a double yellow line down the center of his forehead.
The guvmint needs to do what normal American families do when they run into desperate straits: pretend nothing is going on while we watch reality TV shows and drink lots of beer. No, no, no. Tried that. Didn’t work.
The purpose of the loyal opposition is to oppose, but lately Republicans act like they’d rather the economy sink like a diesel engine in a swimming pool than Obama be given credit for a scintilla of its comeback.
Anthony Weiner sure has a unique approach to junk mail.
Newt Gingrich’s entire Presidential campaign staff just resigned. I guess they just love their country too much.
Sarah Palin plans to cross the country on a bus tour. Goes to prove: tough to keep them down in Wasilla after they’ve seen Neiman-Marcus.
Sarah Palin said Paul Revere warned the British about gun control. Yeah And Abe Lincoln declared war on the north to get rid of tort reform.
Paul Ryan's plan to reform Medicare is akin to a tornado’s plan to reform trailer courts.
Forgive me folks, but my idea of a good time does not involve sleeping on rocks, going potty behind trees and dodging mosquitoes the size of Lazy Boy recliners.
Memorial Day marks the beginning of the flesh- charring season. Our own at the beach eating al fresco for the first time all year and those many brave slow mammals on a freshly scrubbed Weber who gave their lives in order for us to raise our cholesterol levels to heights where sherpas fear to tread.
This isn’t DSK’s first trip down Abuse of Power Alley. So many women (not afraid anymore) are coming forward, French officials might start requiring parade permits.
This time, Mission Really Accomplished. Obama got Osama. Or as the right wing talk shows probably reported it, “Alien President Murders Muslim Brother.”
The Birther Bozos would do anything to reinforce the strangeness of the first African American president. That explains those silly cries of “We’re taking our country back.” Yeah. From the black guy. What they really want is the 1950s and the front of their buses back.
Michele Bachmann called Planned Parenthood the Lenscrafters of abortion, which by all rights allows you to call Congressman Bachmann the Home Depot of ridiculously overwrought indignation.
The President could find a cure for cancer and Republicans would accuse him of being anti- pharmaceutical.
Raising the National Debt is going make this year’s budget battle look like a slap fight in a girl’s Catholic School locker room.
The US credit rating might be lowered. Comforting to know the nation is in the same boat as me. Wonder if the Chinese will lend me money?
Prospective Republican presidential candidates are playing a game of political chicken with everybody waiting for someone else to cluck first. And these are some mean mother cluckers.
Sarah Palin visited Jerusalem’s Wailing Wall, and was very excited because whaling is a big industry around Alaska.
Barack Obama spoke to the nation about Libya and I guess you could characterize the speech as Mission Almost But Not Quite Accomplished.
Going to have to face it, we’re addicted to war. Oops. Don’t call it war.
The GOP says workers need to make sacrifices, meaning the Koch Brothers want more human sacrifices before re- investing their cash in our country.
The Liberal idea is by helping the greater good, it will eventually come back and benefit everyone. While Conservatives believe exactly the opposite. By helping themselves, it will eventually come back and benefit themselves.
An NPR executive resigned after saying the Tea Party is racist. Wow. What next? Porcupine quills make substandard pillow stuffing?
"Partial meltdown." Doesn’t quite cut it. Sounds like a scene going down outside of a department store, not an end to civilization as we know it.
The GOP attacks them with torches and pitchforks and Democrats respond by introducing legislation to reform pitchfork safety standards.
We gave tax cuts to the rich so they can create jobs. Of course with $5 a gallon gas, that commute to China is going to be a bitch.
Union members in Wisconsin are hoping to convince NATO to declare a no-fly zone over Madison.
Every night we see a crazed leader hunkered down, besieged in his own capital, defying reality while obstinately holding onto power and attacking his own people. And its hard to figure out if we're watching Libya or Wisconsin.
Congress agreed to put off shutting down the government for two weeks. So now when nothing is getting done, it's just business as usual.
Wouldn’t be surprised to hear unions talk about giving Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker the award for Organizer of the Year.
Michele Bachmann called Michelle Obama's anti- obesity campaign the nanny state run amok. And when it comes to amok running, Bachmann knows of what she speaks.
Muammar Qaddafi’s reign is in trouble. Never was the quickest thing on two wheels. Gave himself a military rank and then chose Colonel.
Charlie Sheen has a better chance of being appointed St Sebastian’s Girls School choir chaperone on a field trip to Vegas than the GOP's $100 billion tax cut proposal has of surviving a Presidential veto.
They’re calling it the Facebook Uprising. So you could say Mubarak wasn’t deposed as much as he was de-friended.
Hold up. Slow down. If you wait a half a second, there’ll be time for me to hop on the Ronald Reagan 100th birth anniversary bandwagon. Well, to be honest, not so much jumping on, as using a Sherman Tank to slam sideways into it. The man was not Saint Ronny. He was an actor, who legendarily turned down Bogart’s part in the movie Casablanca. Think how history would have changed: Bogart might have become President. Then again, Casablanca would be a lousy movie.
In San Francisco the threat level has been down graded from a hearty burgundy to a tart zinfandel with overtures of baked cherry currants.
This summer's Nile River Cruise packages are going for a song.
Responding to Obama's State of the Union, Republicans Paul Ryan and Michele Bachmann stared variously into any nearby cameras spewing enough doom and gloom to make Neil Simon look like Arthur Miller.
As far as political theater goes, the SOTU was not a boffo smash, nor a miserable dud or a tear jerker. But one did sit behind the President.
The President wants to get rid of everything that's retarding growth. Still, I don't expect the FDA to tow John Boehner to sea anytime soon.
January 20, 2011
Since the military ditched Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, maybe the 112th Congress will stop using it as a budget philosophy too.
January 19, 2011
The NRA is right: Guns don’t kill people. The problem is those darn bullets that put in the holes that the blood leaks of out way too quick.
January 13, 2011
I think one thing we’ve learned from all of this is that Sarah Palin really really needs a Jewish speechwriter.
December 25, 2010
WILL DUR$T$ 2010 XMA$ WI$H LI$T
December 24, 2010
Happy Merry Everyone. As we say in San Francisco, "May the corpulent bearded one in the scarlet suit smile upon your chosen shrubbery."
December 20, 2010
We shouldn’t kill the Taliban. We should feed them. Stuff them like American 5th graders. Then they’d be bigger targets. Slower too.
December 16, 2010
Obama is cursed. The first breakaway republic during his administration turns out to be his own Democratic Party.
December 14, 2010
True to his word, the 44th President managed to unite the country. Against him. Although, the two sides do view him through different prisms. The right sees him as Malcolm X. The left: Urkel.
December 12, 2010
The next couple of months look to be interesting: the heartless pummeling the spineless cheered on by the clueless.
December 10, 2010
If Mitch McConnell wrote “A Christmas Carol,” the happy ending would be when Tiny Tim died and stopped being a burden to the state.
December 6, 2010
Stumped about what to get your Wall Street tycoon? How 'bout a pair of Bernie Madoff’s underwear? Or just frame any old pair of size 36s and say they’re his. It's what he would have done.
December 2, 2010
They caught Willie Nelson with pot. My God. What are the odds? What’s the next big revelation, Dick Cheney bites the head off of chickens?
December 1, 2010
Obama offered up an olive branch and the incoming GOP leaders stripped it and used it as a spit to roast the dove of peace.
November 29, 2010
One thing you can say about this whole TSA-enhanced pat down mess: nobody will ever board Virgin Airlines again without ruefully grimacing.
November 22, 2010
The 4th Thursday of November is definitely the bestest holiday. Food, Family, Friends, and Football. 4 of the 5 Fs.
November 21, 2010
George Bush just broke ground on his $200 million Presidential library. Wow. $200 million. Sounds like a lot of money for a shelf.
November 19, 2010
What with Sarah Palin, Joe Miller and Lisa Murkowski, Alaska is going to have to change its motto to: “And you thought Florida was weird.”
November 17, 2010
John Boehner is upset the Prez called him an enemy after he proclaimed his #1 goal is to get rid of Obama. Well, gosh, ally doesn’t seem to fit.
November 16, 2010
The Republicans want to decrease the debt and lower taxes at the same time. And then they’ll try to lose weight by eating ice cream.
November 11, 2010
Obama’s trip to Indonesia was cut short due to an onrushing cloud of ash. And no I’m not talking about the residue left by John Boehner.
November 9, 2010
George W Bush's bio, "Decision Points," just came out. Don't know who edited this puppy, but I bet they burned through about four spell checks.
November 8, 2010
Republicans say they’re offering up an olive branch. But it looks more like a painted paralyzed asp with the anesthetic wearing off.
November 4, 2010
Today America is neither totally red, nor totally blue. Mostly purple. From the bruising we took being pummeled by all those negative ads.
October 31, 2010
Halloween in San Francisco is redundant.
October 30, 2010
Indonesia just experienced a volcano, an earthquake and a tsunami. But after Tuesday, the Democrats might consider it a vacation retreat.
October 29, 2010
The Tea Party plans to station poll watchers to question suspicious voters. You ask me, anybody who votes for the Tea Party is suspicious.
October 28, 2010
George Bush’s book “Decision Points” comes out November 9th. Amazon should consider bundling it with ”My Pet Goat.”
October 25, 2010
Christine O’Donnell makes Sarah Palin look like a Rhodes Scholar. Or, as either one of them would put it, a Road’s Collar.
October 22, 2010
Clarence Thomas’s wife wants an apology from Anita Hill. Okay. I'll do it. Dear Mrs. Thomas, we’re all very sorry your husband is an idiot.
October 21, 2010
Congress won’t confirm economics Nobel Prize winner Peter Diamond because of competency fears, raising more fears of competency.
October 18, 2010
The good news is housing starts are up. The bad news is most of the activity is in Israel’s West Bank.
October 15, 2010
And the Nobel Prize for Science goes to Michelle Obama for engineering the amazing chemistry between she and her husband.
October 12, 2010
Corporations are using money saved by firing employees for exec bonuses. Next they’ll buy the children of the unemployed and use them for servant feed.
October 8, 2010
It’s not like we’ve discontinued the American Dream. We’re just experiencing an inventory correction.
October 7, 2010
Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell ran an ad saying “I’m not a witch.” Think it's telling she neglected denying being a total loon.
October 6, 2010
New evidence suggests the Titanic sank when it tried to turn left but actually turned to the right. Same thing progressives are saying about Obama.
October 5, 2010
Obama is desperately attempting to erase the midterm election enthusiasm gap. Two words: Good luck. It's wider than the space between Christine O’Donnell’s ears.
October 3, 2010
Rahm Emanuel is ditching the White House to run for mayor of Chicago. Guess he called dibs before Obama tried doing the same thing.
October 1, 2010
Democrats are trying to recapture the enthusiasm of 2008. They have about the same shot as capturing pixie dust with a butterfly net.
September 30, 2010
Christine O’Donnell doesn’t just have skeletons in her closet, she has the entire bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad.
September 24, 2010
President Obama’s economic adviser, Larry Summers, is moving on. Which could be good. Hope he’s not waiting around for a nice letter of recommendation.
September 23, 2010
Delaware’s Wiccan community says it had nothing to do with Christine O’Donnell. Disavowed by witches. Wonder if that’ll go on her next mailer.
September 22, 2010
If hypocrisy were sand, DC would be the Gobi Desert.
September 21, 2010
According to an assembly of economists the recession ended last June. Well, that’s a relief. Silly me. I thought I was still broke.
September 20, 2010
I’m mad at everything and everybody, but especially at career politicians. Not to mention career pediatricians. From now on, one of my kids gets sick, I’m taking them to see some incensed old coot straight off the street carrying a misspelled sign. Experience is way overrated.
September 15, 2010
The Senate freed up $30 billion for banks to lend to small businesses. The only difference between that and a spit in the ocean is moistness.
September 13, 2010
Last week, Obama proposed cutting taxes on businesses, thereby placing Republicans on the defensive since they offered up the very same legislation during the Bush years. Of course now they’re against it. Which, in the middle of an election year, is less surprising than a big belt buckle on a rodeo star.
September 9, 2010
Congressional candidates have raised record amounts of money this election cycle. Nice to know that at least influence peddling is recession proof.
September 8, 2010
Obama has a plan to rebuild America’s infrastructure. Maybe we can start by filling those potholes big enough to have their own area code.
September 7, 2010
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad introduced a weapon called the Ambassador of Death. Not sure the Iranian President is all that clear on the concept of diplomacy.
September 4, 2010
Many Iraqis are concerned the US drawdown might be coming at a precarious time. Of course, the last time times weren’t precarious over there was when it was called Mesopotamia.
August 30, 2010
Glenn Beck says he wants to reclaim the civil rights movement. Because isn’t it about time angry white men finally got a fair shake from society?
August 26, 2010
I’m just worried that oil- eating bacteria they unleashed in the Gulf might have mutated and started in on the Housing Industry.
August 25, 2010
Glenn Beck is marching on Washington. Not so much for civil rights for civil wrongs. Devo would be proud.
August 23, 2010
Not too big on organized religion. But I do believe there’s something. A force. Not that hard to believe in a higher intelligence than man.
August 19, 2010
Obama went to the Gulf to say it was clean and safe and open for business before getting the hell out of there to take his real vacation on Martha's Vineyard.
August 18, 2010
What the Dems definitely don’t need is an ugly self-inflicted election-year corruption scandal twining up their legs like an anaconda in the primary stages of a goat swallow.
August 11, 2010
The Secretary of Defense wants to reduce his budget and slash jobs. When the Pentagon starts laying people off, that can’t be good.
August 10, 2010
Candidates keep railing against career politicians. But at the hospital you can bet they won’t accept anything less than a career gastroenterologist.
August 8, 2010
Al Franken made funny faces in the US Senate while Mitch McConnell was speaking. Now he knows how the rest of us feel.
August 5, 2010
Nancy Pelosi said she was going to “drain the swamp.” Oh, you don’t want to do that. Then those big old alligators got no place to hide.
August 4, 2010
Now they’re talking about a double dip recession. Geez. Who would have thought Dubyah would get something named after him so soon?
August 3, 2010
Our Afghanistan participation makes a quagmire look like a refreshing dip in a spring fed pool with buckets of frosty beer within reach and cold cucumbers slices on our eyelids. Spa spangled bog.
July 28, 2010
We give Pakistan a billion a year in aid and they help insurgents in Afghanistan. With friends like this, who needs enemy combatants?
July 27, 2010
Looks like Tony Hayward is getting his life back. Lot of us thinking too bad it wasn’t Charles Manson’s life he got back.
July 26, 2010
Glenn Beck University has opened online. Beck U. Sounds both like what you say and what you resort to after flunking out of Clown College.
July 21, 2010
A spokesman says there’s no room in the Tea Party Movement for racists. Wow. I knew there were a lot of them, didn’t think all the slots were full.
July 20, 2010
Republicans triple lock their wallets only when a Democrat is in the White House. When George W Bush was President, they used pneumatic tubes to siphon money from the mint as quickly as possible.
July 15, 2010
Well, here’s the good news. Chances are: Lethal Weapon 5 is unlikely to go into production any time soon.
July 14, 2010
The NAACP passed a resolution condemning racism in the Tea Party. An action denounced by the Tea Party’s Imperial Wizard.
July 9, 2010
To say the officiating at the World Cup has been a bit erratic is like inferring BP’s cleanup of the Gulf has been less than exhaustive.
July 8, 2010
As far as the economy goes, I know Less Is More, but this is getting ridiculous.
July 7, 2010
Queen Elizabeth the Two was visiting New York City. Too bad she couldn’t visit our queen, but I think Oprah was on hiatus.
July 4, 2010
Aahh. The 4th of July. Let’s drink a lot of beer and handle explosives. The day many nicknames like “Lefty” and “Patch” are christened.
July 3, 2010
Looks like we will no longer be able to use one of the best oxymorons ever: Larry King Live. But Fox News still works.
July 2, 2010
General Petraeus was confirmed 99- 0. Would have been 101- 0, but the chair refused to recognize Byrd and Kennedy’s votes from beyond.
July 1, 2010
Senator Robert Byrd (D-Appomattox) died early Monday and with him goes America’s last physical link to the Civil War.
June 28, 2010
Wouldn’t be surprised to hear the CIA is investigating how to utilize the vuvuzela for interrogation purposes.
June 25, 2010
Hey McChrystal. Thanks for the hanging slider right down Obama’s wheelhouse. Who’s the wimp now?
June 24, 2010
Tony Hayward canceled a Oil Symposium appearance because he’s too busy overseeing the Gulf spill. Or washing his yacht. One or the other.
June 22, 2010
After losing 7- 0 and facing elimination in the World Cup, the North Korean team looks to return home and lose their grass privileges, forced back on a diet of dirt.
June 21, 2010
Meg Whitman, former CEO of Ebay spent $80 million to become California’s GOP gubernatorial nominee. Guess she used the “Buy It Now!” button.
June 20, 2010
Some guy paid $2.6 million to have lunch with Warren Buffett. And for some lucky waiter, at 20%, that works out to a 520 grand tip.
June 19, 2010
Tony Hayward’s disingenuousness was so complete he was in danger of being charged with impersonating a Congressman.
June 18, 2010
BP has requested a judge with ties to the oil industry to adjudicate future lawsuits. Like having your brother decide who should be president.
June 17, 2010
For good or for ill, Obama responded. First by intimating he was furious. And you could tell he really was upset because his face got all frowny- like.
June 14, 2010
Mister President. Sir. You are many things. But Butt Kicking Chief Executive is not why we hired you. Right now we need that calm and collected smartypants whose idea of wild and crazy is working till his deodorant nearly expires.
June 10, 2010
I don’t care what Spike Lee said. What, you going to base your foreign policy on an offhand remark by Delroy Lindo?
June 9, 2010
Obama said he was furious, and you can tell he was because his face got all frowny like. Less emphasis on hope and more like stern.
June 2, 2010
BP has tried to plug the leak with tires and boxes and mud and golf balls. What’s next: tinfoil, rubber bands and chicken bones? Maybe a witch doctor isn’t such a bad idea.
June 1, 2010
Republicans are yelling at Obama for holding BP responsible for the Deepwater Horizon disaster AND for not doing enough to clean it up. That man sure is a geographic oddity. On two wrong sides of the same issue. Which ain’t easy.
May 30, 2010
Obama offered Sestak an unpaid position at the White House? Wow. They really went to the wall for Specter, didn't they? Like offering Hugh Hefner a shot at Janet Reno.
May 29, 2010
The Republicans complaining that the Democrats have also impeded bipartisanship is like a wolf pointing out that bunnies have teeth too.
May 28, 2010
I don’t know what’s scarier: Rand Paul’s views or his hair. Come on, man; not even Lyle Lovett wears it like that any more.
May 25, 2010
Maybe this BP oil spill will signal an end to our bowing down to the fossil fuel gods. Yeah. And maybe ring-tailed squirrel monkeys will replace hockey referees during the playoff games.
May 22, 2010
While President Obama was giving a speech in the Rose Garden, a rat ran in front of his podium. And no, Mitch McConnell was not in attendance.
May 21, 2010
Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal meant to say he served during Vietnam, not in Vietnam. Yeah, me too. In 1974, I was a waiter.
May 20, 2010
Goldman Sachs’ approval rating is down to 4%, which makes a person think that 4% of Americans have family members working for GS.
May 19, 2010
Miss Michigan, Rima Fakih, a Lebanese- American, was named Miss USA. Wonder if she was detained during the swimsuit competition by Miss Arizona.
May 14, 2010
If Elena Kagan gets confirmed the Supreme Court will consist of 6 Catholics and 3 Jews. Sounds like the dance card at a KKK lawn-burning jamboree.
May 13, 2010
I’m not saying we’re broke, but we might have to lay off some of our better performing dictators.
May 12, 2010
The NRA wants terrorists to be allowed to buy guns but not read their rights. Sounds like there’s a thin line between the NRA and a terrorist.
May 9, 2010
So far nothing has slowed the Deepwater Horizon oil spill from creeping towards our Southern Coast like a drunken lobbyist staggering towards a free seafood buffet. And almost as ugly.
May 8, 2010
The English election ended in a standoff so the parties need to form a coalition to rule. Hope their guys are better at compromising than our guys.
May 7, 2010
Enron, The Musical closes on Broadway this Sunday. Doesn’t bode well for investors in “Bernie Madoff Meets the Addams Family.”
May 6, 2010
Seems like “Drill Baby Drill” may have to take a back seat for a while to “Cap Baby Cap.”
May 5, 2010
The oil approaching Louisiana may be the most massive toxic spill to hit America since Ann Coulter’s most recent book.
May 4, 2010
San Mateo, California, banned fast food franchises from giving toys to kids and if Santa doesn’t want the same treatment he’d better switch to 2% milk and sugar free cookies.
April 29, 2010
The GOP has blocked financial reform for Wall St. three times. In an election year. Like going to Sea World and rooting for the sharks to eat the dolphins in front of your kids.
April 28, 2010
Still haven’t heard when Arizona plans to change its nickname from The Grand Canyon State to Xenophobes R Us.
April 24, 2010
Yeah, sure, Washington is broken. You bang on a monument with sledgehammers long enough, eventually everyone becomes blind from marble dust. But now the GOP has to stumble back into those ruins and somehow look supportive doing it. Hope they brought their swim goggles.
April 23, 2010
California has 3 billionaires who have never held elective office running for statewide positions. Which is good. I’m all in favor of electing billionaires instead of politicians. That way, we eliminate the middlemen.
April 22, 2010
Many Americans are still terrified of losing their jobs or their houses and a lot of them are Democratic Congressmen.
April 20, 2010
Got to love the Teabaggers. Now they’re accusing the mainstream media of liberal bias for actually reporting what happens at their rallies.
April 14, 2010
The problem with nuclear politics is the margin of error is not what you call large.
April 13, 2010
Hank Williams just won a Pulitzer Prize. Wow. That’s great. Dead 57 years and still copping awards. Maybe Shakespeare should get a Tony.
April 10, 2010
After declaring April, Confederacy History Month, Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell condemned slavery. Wow. What next; cancer is bad?
April 9, 2010
According to the GOP, Barack Obama has both done nothing and reached too far. Poor guy, he should see a chiropractor.
April 7, 2010
The Census is being hailed for an uptick in employment numbers, so I figure, we should have a Census every year. Many jobs ensue.
April 6, 2010
President Obama threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals season opener on Monday, and here’s a surprise: he’s a lefty.
April 2, 2010
The GOP wants to know why $2k of party money was spent at a Hollywood strip club. I can tell you why. Excellent appetizers.
April 1, 2010
So the deal is we buy health insurance or pay a fine or go to jail, where health care is free. That must be your public option right there.
March 30, 2010
Talking about his sex addiction, Tiger Woods said he tried to stop but couldn’t. And how horrific it was. Buddy, let me share your pain.
March 29, 2010
The Vatican is going to keep having problems with Popes, as long as they insist on recruiting them from the ranks of Catholic priests.
March 28, 2010
To say the GOP is not taking this health care defeat lying down is like saying freeze dried mustard clumps make for substandard Q-Tips.
March 27, 2010
The GOP claim to be the sole protectors of American values. I’m a bit leery. They have a bit of a history of confusing “values” with “valuables.”
March 26, 2010
Not one Republican for health care? These guys aren’t a political party. They’re the Borg. “Resistance is Futile.”
March 25, 2010
The GOP is turning from the Party of No, to the Party of Hell No, and veering dangerously close to becoming the Party of Screw You.
March 24, 2010
Sausage being made? This wasn’t like watching sausage being made. This was more like watching beetle larvae and snail guts and lizard tripe and cephalopod eyeballs mixed in sour cream and green food dye.
March 22, 2010
Obama was happy to pass anything. Health care. The jobs bill. A kidney stone. Even a Toyota Prius.
March 19, 2010
Democrats try to scare people about the lack of health care reform, and the Republicans scare people about the passage of health care reform and they’re winning because, well, Republicans are just naturally scarier.
March 17, 2010
George W Bush is working on his autobiography. And once its published, chances are good it will be translated into English.
March 15, 2010
Senator Orrin Hatch railed that if Democrats try to jam a health care bill through Congress it will destroy bipartisanship. Oh no. Not that! They’re killing the dodo. Apparently this guy is more worried about a dead fantasy than sick Americans.
March 11, 2010
The Iditarod has begun. 1000 miles on a sled across the roughest terrain on Earth. Or as Nancy Pelosi might think of it: a walk in the park.
March 10, 2010
Senator Hatch says if Democrats push through the health care bill it will destroy bipartisanship. Oh no. Don’t kill the dodo.
March 9, 2010
Sarah Palin is working on a reality show, a movie and another book; sounds too busy for politics. If only that were true of so many others.
March 5, 2010
Scientists claim the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile tilted the earth’s axis. Although some talk show hosts are blaming Obama for that too.
March 3, 2010
“You can have my gavel when you wrangle it from my cold dead fingers.” Okay, Charlie, your call.
March 2, 2010
I love that Canada named the Stadium where they won the Olympic hockey gold medal- the Hockey Place. That is so them.
March 1, 2010
What they say: We need to start over from scratch. What they mean: Let’s start fixing it tomorrow. Or never. Whichever comes last.
February 28, 2010
Dick Cheney is so evil, even Satan keeps throwing him back.
February 25, 2010
Dick Cheney recently suffered a fifth heart attack. Now he has one for each of his deferments.
February 24, 2010
Pot usage between the ages of 55- 59 tripled over 6 years. So gird yourself to bands of grannies roaming the malls in Whitesnake t- shirts.
February 23, 2010
With Joe Lieberman introducing legislation to repeal “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” you got to wonder who’s still for it? Bigots? Ogres? Tyrants? Mitch McConnell?
February 19, 2010
I’m all for nuclear power. When they figure out what to do with the waste, other than sticking it under trees in zip lock baggies.
February 16, 2010
Rush Limbaugh called Barack Obama “uppity.” Wow. Sounds to me like there’s only one word missing.
February 15, 2010
A few words of advice for all you anti-Obama conservatives out there. Quit it with the whole teleprompter fixation, would ya? You guys are like a pit bull with an invisible chew toy.
February 12, 2010
If all the DC politicians are forced to stay home one more day, and there’s no school again, does that qualify for child endangerment?
February 11, 2010
Due to a second major snow storm, the Capitol has plunged into paralysis, and all across the country, people are screaming, “Yes!”
February 10, 2010
Sarah Palin had crib notes inked on her hand while giving a speech where she criticized Obama for using a teleprompter. Hypocrite, or retro- techno geek?
February 9, 2010
Due to record snow in DC, all non- essential government employees were told to stay home yesterday. So Congress got another day off.
February 8, 2010
My advice to you, Mr. President: You got to fire somebody. You know: Axe. Can. Dump. Sack. Pink slip. Terminate with extreme prejudice. Discharge. Unassign. 86. Downsize. Furlough. Ease out. Make redundant. Perform a bum’s rush. Give the boot. Hand someone their marching orders. Assist in an accelerated career development shift. Impose a synergy related headcount restructuring. Heave a ho.
February 4, 2010
Should call this the “Toyota Recession” because no matter how hard we try to apply the brakes, it just keeps going.
February 3, 2010
I think Obama’s major obstacle in affecting real change is the culture of DC. To them, erosion is a radical concept.
January 28, 2010
The only public option available now is the choice of traveling to Canada by bus or by train.
January 25, 2010
State of the Union Drinking Game: The first time Barack Obama mentions bipartisanship, the last person to pretend to faint has to drink 3 shots of beer.
January 21, 2010
Simon Cowell announced this is his last year on American Idol. Apparently he wants to spend more time irritating his family.
January 20, 2010
The good news: if you don’t have insurance you can be fined and if you don’t pay the fine you can go to jail, where health care is free.
January 19, 2010
Pat Robertson says Haiti’s earthquake is God’s punishment for being a bad country. And I guess he’s ours.
January 19, 2010
Google is prepared to take on the Chinese government over the issue of censorship. I think I like Google’s State Department better than the US’s.
January 18, 2010
Sarah Palin premiered as a Fox News commentator and might get her own show. Doubt if it’d be an hour long. Probably end after 47 minutes.
January 15, 2010
Harry Reid called President Obama a light skinned, non- Negro dialect- speaking black man. That’s just political calculus. But what I’d really like to hear is what he says about Jesse Jackson.
January 14, 2010
According to Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin said her choice as VP nominee was part of God’s plan. Apparently, God has a great sense of humor.
January 13, 2010
Rudy Giuliani said we had no domestic terrorist attacks under President Bush. And within a margin of error of plus or minus one, he’s right.
January 10, 2010
The NBA suspended Gilbert Arenas. Probably a good idea. Don’t want him scaring the customers during pre game shoot-arounds.
January 8, 2010
Dubai just celebrated the opening of the world’s largest building. So now they can celebrate their bankruptcy from 2717 feet.
January 7, 2010
Got to love the TSA. What's their motto? "Responding to today’s security threats with yesterday’s technology, tomorrow."
January 6, 2010
Sarah Palin left her Hawaiian vacation early. Yeah, that’s right, she quit halfway through her vacation. Anyone sense a pattern here?
January 1, 2010
Oh great, you know what’s going to happen now. The TSA will start training agents to administer the dreaded two- handed wedgie.
December 31, 2009
$3000 in cash for a one- way ticket and no checked luggage. Nah, no red flags there. Might as well tattoo “TERRORIST” on his forehead.
December 30, 2009
As 2009 gracefully slides to a close, I think I speak for a lot or us when I say: Thank God. Bring on 2010.
December 29, 2009
What has 2009 taught us? Head down, arm straight and you can swing a five iron through the back window all the way to the driver seat headrest.
December 24, 2009
WILL DUR$T’$ 2009 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.
December 23, 2009
This particular most wonderful time of the year is proving to be a bit less than. Mainly because people like you and me (mostly you) selfishly refuse to stop whining and go out there and do their patriotic duty by sinking deeply into debt to honor the birth of that Jewish hippie kid by buying more stuff than anybody in their right mind really needs.
December 22, 2009
Insurgents are using a $26 program to hack into our predator drone video feeds. Not only that, but they get Cinemax & Showtime for free.
December 21, 2009
Political Dictionary: Earmark. A amendment to a bill friendly to the author. One man’s earmarks are another man’s payoff.
December 19, 2009
The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2009
December 18, 2009
Sarah Palin has created a new market: the illiterate bestseller. Next up: Supermodel Cookbooks. An English spice guide. Hawaiian snow shovel etiquette. The lactose intolerant cheese compendium. And finally, Literary Acquisition Guides for the George W Bush Presidential Library.
December 17, 2009
Joe Lieberman is such a GOP lap dog, if you can listen to C- SPAN real close you can hear his toenails echo off the Capitol Rotunda marble.
December 16, 2009
Sarah Palin sold almost a million copies of her autobiography to people who have never bought a book before. She’s Queen of the Illiterati.
December 15, 2009
Barack Obama gave a pro war speech accepting his Nobel Peace Prize. There he goes, breaking the mold again. I think the President should wear the Peace Prize medal around his neck everywhere. Like Flavor Flav.
December 15, 2009
The TARP bailout will cost about $200 billion less than we thought. That’s $600 for every person in the USA. I’ll take mine in quarters.
December 8, 2009
Last week, the State of Texas executed a man with an IQ of 62, in a switch from their usual practice of electing them governor.
December 4, 2009
Don’t know what the big deal is about the imposters who crashed the White House for one night. What about the imposters who crashed the White House for 8 years?
December 3, 2009
Wonder if Elin Woods is going to get an endorsement contract from Titlist. Who wouldn’t want to buy “clubs you can beat Tiger with.”
December 2, 2009
If Sarah Palin wins the 2012 Republican Presidential primary, it will go a long way to proving the Mayans right.
December 1, 2009
Obama is looking for the reset switch on the White House. He’ll find it in the same place as the mute button for Rush Limbaugh.
November 30, 2009
So what have we learned? Head down, arm straight and you can swing a nine iron through the back window all the way to the dashboard.
November 27, 2009
Anybody who leaves a nice warm pumpkin smelling house while it's still dark out to park near a cold empty shopping mall and stand in line before 8 am to buy some cheap piece of crap they could have ordered from a catalog, should sheath an eight piece set of fondue forks with their ass.
November 26, 2009
Ah, Thanksgiving: food, family & football. 3 of the 4 Fs.
November 25, 2009
Yesterday, President Obama pardoned the turkey and no, that doesn’t necessarily mean Dick Cheney is off the hook. But yeah, probably.
November 25, 2009
SC Governor Mark Sanford faces 37 violations from the State Ethics Commission. Not bad for a beginner, but he’s still no William Jefferson.
November 24, 2009
Rudy Giuliani says Sarah Palin is “great for the Republican Party.” Like termites are great for that garage you want to tear down.
November 22, 2009
The White House may soon announce President Obama has decided to delay the announcement he is nowhere near making a decision on Afghanistan.
November 21, 2009
Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” hit the bookstores this week. On Amazon, it's #1 in books, #1 in bios and #1 in septuagenarian abuse.
November 20, 2009
President Obama is finally back from China after an arduous couple of days visiting our money.
November 17, 2009
To promote her new autobiography, “Going Rogue,” Sarah Palin sat for an hour interview with Oprah. An hour. If only the McCain team had spent that much time vetting her.
November 16, 2009
Wall Street managed to get some swine flu virus before hospitals and schools. So now, that whole “swine” thing starts to make sense.
November 13, 2009
Banks are raising interest rates before rules go into effect to stop them from gouging. So think of this as preemptory gouging.
November 12, 2009
Why is it the same people opposed to a governmental role in health care are so serious about denying other people’s reproductive rights?
November 11, 2009
The biggest problem with celebrating Veteran’s Day is getting Joe Biden to shut up during the moment of silence.
November 10, 2009
At a U2 concert to celebrate the fall of the Berlin Wall, too many people came so MTV built a wall around the concert. That’s irony squared.
November 6, 2009
The GOP has countered with a health plan of its own. Its two major provisos are being less costly and mostly covering rich white people.
November 5, 2009
It might be said the Democrats got a wake up call on Tuesday. You might want to add the alarm clock was 10 stories tall.
November 3, 2009
Oakland Intl. Airport allows medical marijuana stashes onboard. Expect to see a petition soon to change the name to Jerry Garcia Intl.
November 2, 2009
Maybe Republicans are so set against health care reform because healthy poor people tend to vote Democratic longer.
October 27, 2009
Now is the time for all good men to put their hands together, pull them apart and rapidly put them back together again, and repeat, to give props to the President for not curling up into a fetal position with a “Kick Me” sign taped to his butt. You know. Like a Democrat. He’s taking it straight to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh, making the two crazier than a preacher at a whorehouse with a parishioner working the door.
October 23, 2009
Not only is the honeymoon with Barack Obama over, but a few liberals are seeking advice as to how to break the pre- nup.
October 20, 2009
The White house is feuding with Fox News. Totally ignoring that age old advice: never get in a fight with an ugly person; they got nothing to lose.
October 19, 2009
What’s the teachable moment from the boy in the balloon hoax? Never trust a six year old in front of a camera.
October 18, 2009
So Obama got an award. Bush got a shoe.
October 16, 2009
Certain talk show hosts have worked themselves into such a tizzy over Obama's Nobel Prize I wouldn’t be surprised to see one of them pull a Kanye West, and crash the stage during the award presentation, yelling Dick Cheney was more deserving.
October 15, 2009
Afghan President Karzai acknowledges voter fraud but says the election still deserves praise. Okay. “Hey Hamid. Nice voter fraud.”
October 14, 2009
Silly me. I was certain that Sarah Palin’s autobiography “Going Rogue” was part of the “Politics for Dummies” series.
October 13, 2009
Bomb the Moon. Win a Peace Prize. We should bomb Mars. Just to see what happens.
October 12, 2009
Loses in Copenhagen. Wins in Oslo. Sounds like a Scandinavian make up call to me.
October 10, 2009
Post-Bush administration books feature authors explaining they were just following orders. I imagine Dubyah will use the same excuse.
October 9, 2009
Consumer spending rose in September. But some analysts worry that most of the uptick was spent on Pepto Bismol and headache remedies.
October 8, 2009
Sarah Palin’s near son in law, Levi Johnson, will pose nude for Playgirl. He was waiting for an offer from the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, but the phone just never rang.
October 7, 2009
They call them Blue Dogs because they tend to stand on the oxygen tube to their own re-election campaign. And they’re not house trained.
October 6, 2009
Since his public apology, Letterman’s ratings have gone up. Could lead to talk show confession escalation. Jay Leno reveals he is Bin Laden.
October 2, 2009
I don’t know what the big deal is about death panels. They’ve been in place for years. We just call them insurance companies.
October 1, 2009
Tom DeLay stumbled into another week on Dancing With the Stars. Shouldn’t he be in jail? Why is America being punished?
September 30, 2009
The health care reform public option may not be dead, but it is on life support and there are approximately 1070 hands pulling on the plug.
September 29, 2009
Over the weekend, Tiger Woods came in 2nd and took home more than $10 million. I think he cheats.
September 28, 2009
During his 1½ hour speech at the UN, Muammar Qaadafi referred to Barack Obama as his son. So, it wasn’t Kenya, it was Libya.
September 25, 2009
SC Gov. Mark Sanford’s estranged wife is writing a memoir. Prospective titles include: “I Got Your Soul Mate Right Here.”
September 24, 2009
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke Wednesday at the UN. Where’s Joe Wilson when we need him?
September 23, 2009
Lot of evidence showing Hamid Karzai stole the Afghani presidential election. With friends like this, who needs tyrannical despots?
September 22, 2009
Apparently, some people simply cannot adjust to the fact that our country is now being governed by a black man living in public housing.
September 18, 2009
Not sure if the opposition to President Obama is racially motivated. After all, racism may be stupid, but not all stupidity is racist.
September 16, 2009
Starting to look like there’s a light at the end of the economic tunnel. Probably a 40-watt bulb.
September 15, 2009
Levi Johnston named his kid, Tripp Easton, because Easton is his favorite hockey company. Lucky he’s not into skiing. Tripp Head.
September 14, 2009
Joe Wilson (R- SC) heckled the President. Totally understandable. With all the wacky zany antics coming out of congress, he must have thought he was in a comedy club.
September 11, 2009
The government put Bernie Madoff’s beach house up for sale for $8.75 million. Course he told investors it was worth 2 billion.
September 10, 2009
The problem is, Obama has no "or else." Work with him or what? Or Joe Biden will sit next to you in the Congressional dining room every day for a week?
September 9, 2009
Scientists say swine flu is back and now it’s worse than ever. Making it what: boar flu?
September 8, 2009
Critics claim Obama’s speech to students is meant to subvert them politically. Hope it’s as effective as Reagan’s speech to kids in 88.
September 7, 2009
A calendaric conundrum. A day we celebrate what it is we do for a living by taking the day off from work.
September 6, 2009
Bankers are trying to clean up their image. Also known as hosing down the pigs.
September 5, 2009
President Clinton had to move out of his office due to an infestation of bed bugs. This guy just has no luck at all when it comes to beds.
September 4, 2009
When Dick Cheney dares to call Obama’s decision to investigate torture “political,” and doesn’t burst into flames, that’s what amazes me.
September 2, 2009
The protestors seem to be sending mixed messages. “Stop Socializing America. Leave Medicare Alone.” At least use two different signs.
September 1, 2009
The bad news is LA is surrounded by fire. The good news is: the smoke is obscuring the smog.
August 31, 2009
Dick Cheney accuses his former boss, George Bush, of forgetting who put him in office by bowing to the will of the people.
August 30, 2009
Got to give the President a big bowl of props for interrupting Obama Rama on Martha’s Vineyard with his valiant effort to paint a big old smiling happy face on the side of the economy. Although in the future, he might want to come up with something a bit more reassuring than “we’re losing jobs at a much slower pace.” About as encouraging as a squad of septuagenarian cheerleaders waving black pom-poms after a loss in the rain at night.
August 28, 2009
Senator Joe Liebermann says we can’t afford health care now. Wonder if that means he’s planning to turn in his lifetime policy?
August 27, 2009
President Obama reappointed Fed Chair Ben Bernanke. No need to take a urine sample. Obviously no performance enhancing drugs in his system.
August 26, 2009
Cigarettes have gotten so expensive, you can’t call it secondhand smoke anymore. Now, its pre-owned smoke.
August 25, 2009
Tom DeLay will appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Starting to stretch the definition of the show’s title just a bit.
August 24, 2009
The GOP is running ads criticizing President Obama for going on vacation. I guess they’d prefer he slip into a coma like Bush.
August 21, 2009
Tom DeLay will appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Should do well. With all that experience tap dancing around the truth.
August 20, 2009
President Obama spent part of his vacation at the Grand Canyon. Probably a cautionary trip to view Bush’s final approval ratings.
August 19, 2009
Every time I hear “Cash for Clunkers” I imagine a repeating entry on a DC lobbyist’s expense report.
August 18, 2009
Dick Cheney claims Dubyah wimped out on him during their second term. Sounds like a scorned lover. I would suggest couples' therapy.
August 17, 2009
No wonder these people are leery of public health care. Its painfully obvious they have intimate experience with the failures of public education.
August 15, 2009
TV has taught us that louder is righter and Righter is Louder. And LOUDEST is RIGHTEST.
August 13, 2009
Sarah Palin says people will have to appear at “death panels.” Starting to sound like her political career lost an appeal at one.
August 12, 2009
If youth is wasted on the young, does that mean democracy is wasted on the dim?
August 11, 2009
The economy is so bad, I wouldn’t be surprised if Calderon tells Obama they’re building a wall to control our immigration.
August 10, 2009
Every time I hear about “cash for clunkers,” I think it has something to do with raising the Senate’s per diem.
August 7, 2009
The President is trying to put a happy face on the economy. But don’t you think “we’re losing jobs at a much slower pace” is a little weak?
August 6, 2009
So what have we learned? If you need to bring back male captives, send Jimmy Carter. Need to rescue female hostages, call Bill Clinton.
August 4, 2009
Nice to see Obama, in true American fashion, attempting to cure racism through the use of alcohol.
August 3, 2009
At the beer summit, Obama quaffed a Bud Light. You’d think he’d go with an American beer instead of that fine Belgian produced ale.
July 31, 2009
The only way to guarantee Congress not sucking is if we tried to force them to vacuum their own offices.
July 30, 2009
You think it’s a coincidence that “birther” rhymes with “flat earther?”
July 29, 2009
Obama is so smooth he makes Clinton look like a chunk of concrete wrapped in Velcro dipped in wallpaper paste.
July 28, 2009
Sarah Palin should be charged with leaving the scene of a crime. Or desertion.
July 24, 2009
Obama’s approval rating has plummeted. From that of Shar Pei puppies to week old ducklings.
July 23, 2009
Something the size of the Pacific Ocean slammed into Jupiter. Scientists have not ruled out William Kristol’s ego.
July 22, 2009
Sarah Palin may have broken ethics rules by accepting cash to pay off the legal debts she incurred defending herself against ethics charges.
July 21, 2009
The Pope appeared in public for the first time with a cast on his wrist. Someone should write on it: “Infallible, yes. Unbreakable, no.”
July 20, 2009
One of the toilets aboard the space station malfunctioned, giving new meaning to the phrase “going where no man has gone before.”
July 17, 2009
We’re giving Iraq back to Iraqis. Sounds like Phase One in the administration's new "catch and release" program.
July 14, 2009
Scientists released a study suggesting cancer to be a leading death in spiders. I would hazard to guess it was second only to shoes.
July 13, 2009
Turns out Cheney conducted operations so illegal, I wouldn’t be surprised to discover gasps were heard coming from Nixon’s grave.
July 10, 2009
Disney is raising theme park entrance fees again. Apparently, some families tried to sneak out with money left on their credit card limits.
July 9, 2009
When the going gets tough, the tough decline all media requests.
July 8, 2009
America needs decisive leadership. And in order to demonstrate that, Sarah Palin decisively quit.
July 6, 2009
Governor Sarah Palin quit, saying she didn’t want to hurt her constituents by being a lame duck. Too bad Bush didn’t feel the same way.
July 3, 2009
Bernie Madoff has been sentenced to 150 years in prison. And his victims hope he lives long enough to serve the whole term. In ill health.
July 2, 2009
Norm Coleman has now lost state-wide elections in Minnesota to a wrestler and a comic. So, next time out, beware that rodeo clown.
June 30, 2009
California gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown just got a clean bill of health from his paleontologist.
June 29, 2009
If Michael Jackson had died a week earlier, Governor Mark Sanford wouldn’t just be relieved, he’d still be in Argentina.
June 26, 2009
Rush Limbaugh moaned that Governor Sanford “could have been our JFK.” That’s the problem. Apparently he was.
June 25, 2009
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said he was gone to clear his head. So that’s what they’re calling it these days.
June 24, 2009
Turns out Vice President Cheney authorized the use of insects for torture. Makes sense. Always good to keep your native species in the mix.
June 23, 2009
Want to take this time to congratulate the Iranian people for upgrading to a participatory government where they feel empowered enough to take to the streets to complain. For those of you who have been too busy digging under bushes for returnable bottle deposits, there is major rioting going on in the country formerly known as Persia, due to their sneaking suspicion of rampant voter fraud. Hundreds of thousands are risking arrest, death and worse demonstrating their shock at the corruption of their leaders. Of course, here in the US, we’ve learned to take that sort of thing in stride and grade on a curve.
June 17, 2009
Iran is rioting because of an egregious example of voter fraud. Fortunately the US has learned to take that kind of stuff in stride.
June 16, 2009
Good news is the White House says we’ve hit bottom. Bad news is Bush may have installed a basement.
June 15, 2009
Looks like Ahmedinejad has the Iran Presidency locked up, along with a few members of the opposition.
June 12, 2009
Not overly encouraged by Obama’s take on Secretary of Treasury Geithner: “Doing a heck of a job, Timmy.”
June 11, 2009
Congress passed a bill allowing loaded handguns to be carried into national parks so we can defend ourselves after we have to move into them.
June 10, 2009
Say what you will, Obama does not shrink from the big jobs. First GM, now the Middle East. Next: Oprah’s weight.
June 9, 2009
Seems like the banking industry’s motto is: “if at first you don’t succeed, how bout a bonus?”
June 5, 2009
At the rate they’re going, by 2012 the GOP will be so small, you’ll be able to drown the lot of them in Grover Norquist's bathtub.
June 4, 2009
Obama’s Cairo speech won't instantly repair US- Muslim relations. But reminding folks he's not Bush is never a bad idea.
June 1, 2009
Rush Limbaugh calling Sonia Sotomayor a racist is like a Hummer calling a minivan annoying.
May 29, 2009
It's curious that President Obama picked his Supreme Court Justice Nominee in about a quarter of the time it took him to choose a family dog.
May 28, 2009
The GOP worried the President’s use of the word “empathy,” is code for a radical left wing activist judge. Well there’s your problem right there.
May 27, 2009
Sarah Palin signed a contract to write her memoirs, to make sure the exploitation of her family is accurate.
May 26, 2009
57% of Republicans say Dick Cheney is hurting the party. And 100% of Democrats support his right to keep on doing it.
May 25, 2009
What this country needs is an up front national referendum on whether we should or shouldn’t be torturing people. Oh wait. That’s right, we did have one . . . Last November 4th.
May 22, 2009
Clinton called Cheney out of line for acting like he was still in office. The two of them going mano a mano would involve four faces.
May 21, 2009
The bad news is gas prices are going up. The good news is, nobody has any money to go anywhere.
Craigslist has replaced “erotic services” with “adult services.” Either way, diapers are probably involved.
May 20, 2009
Chrysler says bankruptcy will make them more competitive. So, outright death would make them more… vigorous?
May 19, 2009
Nancy Pelosi and the CIA are exchanging charges of lying. Don’t you hate it when lovers’ spats go public?
May 15, 2009
Top GM executives sold all their shares in the company recently. Can’t tell if they beat the rats leaving the sinking ship or if they are the rats.
May 14, 2009
Medicare and Social Security are closer to default than thought. So we may have to put off getting older for a while.
May 13, 2009
Obama got in trouble using the word “empathy” about his Supreme Court search. Conservatives were thinking more along the lines of “pitiless.”
May 12, 2009
The Pope denounced the ideological manipulation of religion. The Pope did. Isn’t that like pot calling the bushes green?
May 11, 2009
The fed ran a stress test on big American banks. The good news is they’re healthy. The bad news is that’s compared to Dick Cheney.
May 9, 2009
I’m pretty sure the Republican argument is that closing off-shore tax haven loopholes now would hurt rich people at a bad time.
May 7, 2009
The swine flu is having a huge effect on haute cuisine with chefs being encouraged to remove pork tartare from their menus.
May 6, 2009
Governor Schwarzenegger has not ruled out legalizing marijuana. How soon before Twinkies becomes the official snack of California?
May 5, 2009
The swine flu is now officially SOIV, Swine Originated Influenza Virus, because, god forbid, we might accidentally defame our proud American pork producers.
May 4, 2009
You know why there are no Republicans in the new Star Trek movie? Because it’s set in the future.
May 1, 2009
Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter switched from Republican to Democrat. Clever rat: from a sinking ship to a floundering one.
April 29, 2009
The top three groups thought susceptible to swine flue are seniors, children and members of Congress. The first two due to their immune system deficiencies and the latter because of their propensity for fondling pork.
April 28, 2009
No matter how bad your job is, remember, you are not the Mexican Minister of Tourism.
April 24, 2009
Obama is being accused of having it in for George Bush. Yeah. Him and 64 million other Americans.
April 23, 2009
Fidel says Obama misread Raul Castro’s friendly overtures. Nice job, Fidel. Now you’ve pissed off the entire world AND your brother.
April 22, 2009
Turns out we waterboarded a guy 183 times. And you can bet that 183rd time was exponentially more productive than the 182nd time.
April 20, 2009
A California assemblyman introduced a bill (AB 390) for the state to tax marijuana for sale. He couldn’t wait 30 more bills for AB 420?
April 17, 2009
A San Francisco supervisor wants the city to sell pot. Then they get into the munchie cart business.
April 16, 2009
The President says to build our house on a rock. Yeah, what if the contractor’s drunk?
April 15, 2009
Aaah, tax day. You pay taxes and I pay taxes. The only difference is you don’t pay enough and I pay way too much.
April 14, 2009
The only law a pirate understands is a bigger pirate. Obama should stop shaving. Call himself Blackbeard. Even if it comes in gray… Arrgh Diplomacy.
April 13, 2009
Who would have thought the big foreign policy crisis this year would be pirates? What’s next: scurvy?
April 12, 2009
Vermont is the fourth state to allow same sex marriages, obviously believing that gays have the same right as the rest of us to be miserable.
April 10, 2009
President Obama replaced “War on Terror,” with “Overseas Contingency Operation.” At least I knew what the old one meant.
April 9, 2009
Prime Minister Putin’s plan to revive Russia includes a series of tax cuts. Going to have to start calling this guy Bush III.
April 8, 2009
My plan this year involves having Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner paying my taxes. I might need bail money as well.
April 7, 2009
GM introduced a program that covers new car payments if the buyer gets canned from his job. Sounds like an in-house promotion.
April 6, 2009
Benjamin Netanyahu is Israel’s Prime Minister. Again. They run that office like volleyball. Same five guys. Every four years someone yells “Rotate.”
April 3, 2009
Federal prosecutors say Marion Barry, DC councilman, owes $277,000 in back taxes. So he looks in line for an Obama appointment.
April 2, 2009
Expectations for the G-20 have sunk so low that if they manage to agree on whether the caterer serves creamy or deli cold slaw at lunch, the confab will be considered a success.
April 1, 2009
The G-20 meets in London this week, which consists of the leaders of the top 20 world economies plus Spain and Netherlands. The problem is G-22 sounds too much like a Bingo call.
March 31, 2009
I think the proof that there is intelligent life on other planets is the fact they’ve obviously chosen not to contact us.
March 30, 2009
Sarah Palin hopes to raise $12 million to explore a 2012 presidential bid. And that should cover her exploratory wardrobe budget.
March 27, 2009
One thing you got to say about Bush: His ego is capable of supporting a much larger talent.
March 26, 2009
George Bush reportedly is getting $7 million for his memoirs. Don’t know who’s going to edit it, but I bet they burn through about 4 spell checks.
March 25, 2009
Word on the street is that George Bush plans to write his memoirs. Oh sure, now he gets interested in book learning.
March 23, 2009
One thing Obama has done: sales of maple leaf patches for backpacks while traveling overseas are way down.
March 20, 2009
On the bright side, this is a very good time to own a pawn shop.
March 19, 2009
I’m not sure that AIG is completely clear on the concept of the word “bonus.”
Truth in advertising may force the State of California to change its motto from The Golden State to The Golden Plated State.
March 18, 2009
So far the only thing the new economic stimulus package has aroused is my suspicions.
March 17, 2009
I wonder if the IRS will allow us to directly deposit our tax payments into the checking accounts of various AIG executives.
March 13, 2009
A lot of his clients think Bernie Madoff’s possible 150 year sentence is just a slap on the wrists.
March 12, 2009
Not sure, but I think I just saw a picture of the Republican Party leadership on the side of a milk carton.
March 11, 2009
Good news is: public transit riders are up. Bad news is: we can’t even afford that.
March 10, 2009
Now, the recession is our fault because we’re not buying enough stuff. I knew the bad guys looked familiar.
March 9, 2009
President Obama reversed a Bush initiative that weakened the Endangered Species Act,which co-incidentally now covers moderate Republicans..
March 7, 2009
Who cares whether we’re employed or not? Don’t we realize we are the pistons that drive the free market engine? It’s our God- given patriotic duty to go out there and buy stuff we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.
March 6, 2009
Banks are raising interest rates so high, Capitol One’s new logo should feature a dorsal fin.
March 5, 2009
RNC chair Michael Steele apologized to Rush Limbaugh. I bet Rush not only makes him kiss his ring, but keeps it in his back pocket.
March 4, 2009
I’m not sure if we’re actually leaving Iraq or if, just like a lot of things, the war is going out of business.
March 3, 2009
Some say Obama is arrogant. Yeah, but he’s smart. We already tried arrogant and stupid. And that didn’t work.
March 2, 2009
Paul Harvey died over the weekend. And now we know the end of the story.
March 1, 2009
Joe Biden filled the role of court jester again by allowing himself to be the butt of the President’s jokes. He’s becoming the Tommy Smothers of the new Administration. “The public always liked you best.”
February 28, 2009
Obama's speech wasn’t about specifics. It was a halftime pep talk from a coach whose team is down by 4 touchdowns. “Don’t you know who we think we are? We’re America dammit. When we say we’re going to kick some serious innovative butt, you can bet the wind farm that we will."
February 27, 2009
Stepping into the den of 535 lions (okay, 534 and Roland Burris,) the new President proved himself to be a worthy equal to Ronald Reagan when it comes to lofty unbridled optimism. Which is good. Because he spent most of his first thirty days warning us about the true state of the economy. Which is bad. Really bad. Oh don’t get me wrong, it could be worse. So far, no nostril leeches. Fingers crossed.
February 26, 2009
Had to love Nancy Pelosi bouncing up and down like a peripatetic yo- yo in her official capacity as speech cheerleader. All she needed was pom poms.
February 25, 2009
It wasn’t really a State of the Union Address. But close. Sort of a pseudo SOTU.
February 24, 2009
Now the recession is affecting Girl Scout cookie sales. This is one un-American recession.
February 23, 2009
The NAACP should erect a statue of George Bush. After all, if it weren’t for him, we might not have had a black President for another forty years.
February 20, 2009
The biggest beneficiary of the Bush legacy has to be Herbert Hoover who moves from 3rd worst President to 4th worst.
February 16, 2009
At last the Republicans have boiled the essence of their party down to one word: “NO.”
February 14, 2009
Citizens of America, stay in your homes. The Minority leadership unleashed their legions of virtual undead to battle the White House’s economic stimulus package with a soul sapping single- mindedness and they’re still out there. (more)
February 13, 2009
Barack Obama is learning that Congress plays hardball. A lot of them have been at it for a long time. And have never worn helmets.
February 12, 2009
Don’t know what George Bush has in mind post presidency, but I’m pretty sure we can rule out Think Tank.
February 11, 2009
The annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is this week, remaining the only competition where participants clean their scrotum on camera. Except for C-SPAN.
February 10, 2009
A total of 3 Republicans in all of Congress voted for the new stimulus bill. This new spirit of bipartisanship looks pretty similar to that old spirit of heavy partisanship.
February 7, 2009
What we’ve been experiencing is bank robbery in reverse. The perps didn’t even bother wearing masks. And triggered absolutely no silent alarms. The problem is, those security cameras in the lobby are pointing the wrong way. You should do what I do. Now, every time I make a deposit, I ask the teller for two pieces of identification, and, “Oh yeah, what’s your mother’s maiden name?”
February 6, 2009
The Minnesota Senate race drags on. Whenever one of these guys is finally seated, it will be just in time to start running again.
February 5, 2009
The Obama people have a clever plot to raise money. They appoint people who have to pay off their back taxes before confirmation. Couple more and we’ll have this whole stimulus thing covered.
February 4, 2009
The Republicans claim they want to work with President Obama. And they do. The same way a 5 year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants.
February 3, 2009
Secretary of Health and Human Services appointee Tom Daschle says he’s sorry he didn’t pay $128,000 in taxes. I think “sorry” starts to disintegrate whenever it accompanies three digits left of the comma.
February 2, 2009
Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow which means 6 more years of recession.
January 30, 2009
Chances are Blagojevich will make more from his book deal than he ever hoped to extort from his constituent victims.
January 29, 2009
Thank god Barack Obama wears suits or he and George Bush wouldn’t have anything in common.
January 28, 2009
Congress is now trying to teach President Barack Obama the true meaning of bipartisan. With the emphasis on the “buy.”
January 27, 2009
President Obama’s foreign policy plan is being called too ambitious. Kind of odd to hear “Democratic plan” and “ambitious” used in the same sentence.
January 26, 2009
Dick Cheney supposedly pulled a hamstring while moving boxes. I think he just tried to weasel some Workman’s Comp on the last day of his government job. Also surprised to hear that he even thought they were empty, Pandora wanted her boxes back.
January 25, 2009
It might have been the shortest honeymoon this side of a drunken Britney Spears careening off of quarter poker video games in Vegas. I’m talking about Barack Obama’s relationship with the press after his Inauguration as the 44th President of the United States. (more)
January 24, 2009
Cabs in DC during the Inauguration festivities were like available mortgages in Florida: a charming but imaginary concept.
January 23, 2009
Amazingly enough, even with 2 million people on the mall, there were no arrests in DC. Not that there was no crime. After all, Congress was still in session.
January 22, 2009
The way he left this country, let’s just put it this way. George Bush is not getting his security deposit back.
January 21, 2009
For we 2 million people on the mall, Tuesday’s Inauguration was like going to heaven and coming home. Only we had to walk both ways.
January 20, 2009
For we comics, losing Bush is like losing a trusted drug dealer.
January 19, 2009
The Inaugural Committee has set up a special area for protests. Its called Wyoming.
November 18, 2008
An economist is a person who can tell you tomorrow exactly why what he predicted yesterday didn’t go down today.
November 17, 2008
Hillary Clinton is reportedly in line for a position in Barack Obama’s Cabinet. Which leaves Bill free to teach a course in situational ethics.
November 14, 2008
President Elect Obama plans to hit the ground running, which is what George Bush tried to do, but forgot to land on his feet.
November 13, 2008
As President Bush faces retirement, he looks forward to a lifetime of figurehead status with actually no powers. So, no big change there.
November 12, 2008
If President-elect Obama wants to best utilize his Democratic Congressional majority, he should read up on cat herding.
November 11, 2008
90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd is stepping down as chair of the Appropriations Committee, to be replaced by 84-year-old Senator Daniel Inouye. Another stirring example of Barack Obama’s sweeping youth movement.
November 10, 2008
John McCain married two beauty queens and picked another as his VP nominee. He could run for Hugh Hefner. That job looks as if it is going to open up soon.
November 7, 2008
In comparisons with his predecessor, Barack Obama should fare well. In the last couple years, Bush didn’t just lower the bar, he buried it.
November 4, 2008
Remember if you don’t vote, you can’t bitch. And you do do that, don’t you?
October 31, 2008
President Bush dropped by McCain headquarters to give the volunteers a pep talk. Then the CDC quarantined the building and hosed it down containing any possible contagion.
October 30, 2008
Barack Obama’s half hour infomercial delayed the resumption of the fifth game of the World Series by a half hour. He may have influenced some undecideds but he just lost Pennsylvania.
October 28, 2008
The Anchorage Daily News endorsed Obama over hometown governor Sarah Palin’s ticket. That’s got to be a kick in the moose.
October 27, 2008
Still can’t figure out who these undecideds are or what they’re waiting for: McCain to get younger or Obama to get whiter?
October 24, 2008
The new theory is that McCain is throwing the election on purpose. That would explain why he’s running around like an ornery troll with irritable bowel syndrome. Who’s playbook is that? Ross Perot’s?
October 23, 2008
McCain is accusing Obama of wanting to “redistribute the wealth” and millions of broke Americans are saying, “Yeah, and what’s wrong with that again?”
October 22, 2008
A Presidential running mate is like the paint job on a used car. Crazy or yellow might put you off, but anything else you can learn to live with.
October 21, 2008
Poor Fox TV. I think they’d get better ratings for the bronze medal competition than they will for the World Series.
October 20, 2008
So, except for it not being the guy’s name or profession, that whole Joe the Plumber thing worked out pretty well for John McCain.
October 18, 2008
For the third consecutive debate, the Grand Old Man of the Grand Old Party neglected to include a single mention of the middle class, but then again, he also failed to talk about three-toed albino tree elves, and the general assumption is, to him, both are fictional.
October 17, 2008
This stock market crash is worse than a divorce. I’m worth half of what I was, and yet I’m still married.
October 16, 2008
McCain called Joe Biden’s partition plan “cockamamie"? Is he really that worried about trying to nail down that all-important crotchety vote?
October 14, 2008
I don't know what's scarier: the situation the next President of the United States is going to inherit, or the fact that both these guys want it so bad.
October 13, 2008
Got totally slammed by the stock market crash. Would have lost more, but thank god, I ran out of money.
October 10, 2008
McCain says he keeps crossing the aisle but Barack only votes with the Democrats. Aren’t those the same people he’s crossing the aisle to vote with?
October 9, 2008
For the second consecutive debate, John McCain didn’t mention the middle class once. Of course he didn’t mention three-toed amber elves either. Not sure he believes in either one of them.
October 8, 2008
John McCain spent the debate looking like a grumpy old man who neglected to take his daily fiber supplement.
October 7, 2008
His staff is worried John McCain is going to snap. Bet for Tuesday’s debate, they have some guy waiting in the wings with a fire extinguisher. “He’s going to blow.”
October 6, 2008
My 401k is now a 201k.
October 3, 2008
Being largely a crisis of confidence over our foundering Ship of State, it is more comforting than polar bear fur against a naked buttock knowing George Bush is steady at the helm. He actually said out loud in front of people holding microphones “we’re working hard on economic turmoil.” Thanks George. Finally gets one thing right, and its economic turmoil. I ask you now: What are the odds?
October 2, 2008
Sarah Palin’s people are setting the expectations bar so low, if she pronounces her running mate’s name correctly, she wins.
October 1, 2008
Congress totally revamped the 700 billion dollar bailout bill. It’s now a 700 billion dollar rescue plan. Totally different.