If we do not defeat Prop Hate, I say November 5th we call for a general gay work slowdown.

Despite much good-natured pressure, my partner of twenty years and I have not gotten married. If we ever do marry, I know I will want an old-fashioned wedding. Really old-fashioned. When I get married, I want a country.

I am the Mr. Big of gay marriage. That said, I completely support the freedom to marry for all gay people. I believe my friends when they tell me how surprised they are at the transformational power of declaring their love before family and friends. I love hearing their stories.

I hate hearing their stories of the on-the-ground, hand-to-hand combat against anti-gay ballot initiatives in Florida, Arizona [again], and California.

In California, two newly wed lesbian friends called me as they drove to yet another “No on 8” rally through a thicket of “Yes on 8” yard signs. The friend who was driving was distraught because her usually serene partner who was having a homicidal, screaming jag triggered by all the Yes signage. She asked me to talk her down. I suggested she drive on the lawns and take out some signs.

In this financial climate, in California alone, $60 million is being spent for and against the basic human rights of gay people. You would think the attitude would be, “Oh for heaven’s sake, it’s almost the end of the world, let the gay people get married.”

If we defeat Prop Hate, I say we sue our adversaries for anti-gay harassment and recoup our money. We can use it to continue to provide for homeless LGBT youth, HIV AIDS support, and care for our elder gays.

If we do not defeat Prop Hate, I say November 5th we call for a general gay work slowdown.

Decorators will do deliberately bad, possibly dangerous feng shui.

Hairdressers will mistakenly lay hot curling irons down on ears.

Social workers will give bad advice, “Your father sounds like a great guy. Show him some love.”

Salespeople will ooze, “Oh, that looks great on you.”

Waiters will serve cold food and suggest the wrong wine.

Flight attendants will put ‘out of service’ signs on bathrooms midway through long-distance flights.

Some nameless malaise will dim Broadway.

If gay people are not to be full citizens of this country, we should stop paying taxes.

To make up for the lost funds, as an alternate revenue stream, it is time to tax churches that have encouraged anti-gay hatred through their bullying pulpits.

The FBI recently released hate-crime statistics that showed a 1% decrease in hate crimes over all, but a 6% increase in anti-gay hate crimes.

When and if I get married, I want my country. Call me old-fashioned.