November 20, 2008

An astronaut was embarrassed after losing a tool bag in space. Not as embarrassed as George Bush, who lost the entire Republican Party.

November 18, 2008

An economist is a person who can tell you tomorrow exactly why what he predicted yesterday didn’t go down today.

November 17, 2008

Hillary Clinton is reportedly in line for a position in Barack Obama’s Cabinet. Which leaves Bill free to teach a course in situational ethics.

November 14, 2008

President Elect Obama plans to hit the ground running, which is what George Bush tried to do, but forgot to land on his feet.

November 13, 2008

As President Bush faces retirement, he looks forward to a lifetime of figurehead status with actually no powers. So, no big change there.

November 12, 2008

If President-elect Obama wants to best utilize his Democratic Congressional majority, he should read up on cat herding.

November 11, 2008

90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd is stepping down as chair of the Appropriations Committee, to be replaced by 84-year-old Senator Daniel Inouye. Another stirring example of Barack Obama’s sweeping youth movement.

November 10, 2008

John McCain married two beauty queens and picked another as his VP nominee. He could run for Hugh Hefner. That job looks as if it is going to open up soon.

November 7, 2008

In comparisons with his predecessor, Barack Obama should fare well. In the last couple years, Bush didn’t just lower the bar, he buried it.

November 4, 2008

Remember if you don’t vote, you can’t bitch. And you do do that, don’t you?

October 31, 2008

President Bush dropped by McCain headquarters to give the volunteers a pep talk. Then the CDC quarantined the building and hosed it down containing any possible contagion.

October 30, 2008

Barack Obama’s half hour infomercial delayed the resumption of the fifth game of the World Series by a half hour. He may have influenced some undecideds but he just lost Pennsylvania.

October 28, 2008

The Anchorage Daily News endorsed Obama over hometown governor Sarah Palin’s ticket. That’s got to be a kick in the moose.

October 27, 2008

Still can’t figure out who these undecideds are or what they’re waiting for: McCain to get younger or Obama to get whiter?

October 24, 2008

The new theory is that McCain is throwing the election on purpose. That would explain why he’s running around like an ornery troll with irritable bowel syndrome. Who’s playbook is that? Ross Perot’s?

October 23, 2008

McCain is accusing Obama of wanting to “redistribute the wealth” and millions of broke Americans are saying, “Yeah, and what’s wrong with that again?”

October 22, 2008

A Presidential running mate is like the paint job on a used car. Crazy or yellow might put you off, but anything else you can learn to live with.

October 21, 2008

Poor Fox TV. I think they’d get better ratings for the bronze medal competition than they will for the World Series.

October 20, 2008

So, except for it not being the guy’s name or profession, that whole Joe the Plumber thing worked out pretty well for John McCain.

October 18, 2008

For the third consecutive debate, the Grand Old Man of the Grand Old Party neglected to include a single mention of the middle class, but then again, he also failed to talk about three-toed albino tree elves, and the general assumption is, to him, both are fictional.

October 17, 2008

This stock market crash is worse than a divorce. I’m worth half of what I was, and yet I’m still married.

October 16, 2008

McCain called Joe Biden’s partition plan “cockamamie"? Is he really that worried about trying to nail down that all-important crotchety vote?

October 14, 2008

I don't know what's scarier: the situation the next President of the United States is going to inherit, or the fact that both these guys want it so bad.

October 13, 2008

Got totally slammed by the stock market crash. Would have lost more, but thank god, I ran out of money.

October 10, 2008

McCain says he keeps crossing the aisle but Barack only votes with the Democrats. Aren’t those the same people he’s crossing the aisle to vote with?

October 9, 2008

For the second consecutive debate, John McCain didn’t mention the middle class once. Of course he didn’t mention three-toed amber elves either. Not sure he believes in either one of them.

October 8, 2008

John McCain spent the debate looking like a grumpy old man who neglected to take his daily fiber supplement.

October 7, 2008

His staff is worried John McCain is going to snap. Bet for Tuesday’s debate, they have some guy waiting in the wings with a fire extinguisher. “He’s going to blow.”

October 6, 2008

My 401k is now a 201k.

October 3, 2008

Being largely a crisis of confidence over our foundering Ship of State, it is more comforting than polar bear fur against a naked buttock knowing George Bush is steady at the helm. He actually said out loud in front of people holding microphones “we’re working hard on economic turmoil.” Thanks George. Finally gets one thing right, and its economic turmoil. I ask you now: What are the odds?

October 2, 2008

Sarah Palin’s people are setting the expectations bar so low, if she pronounces her running mate’s name correctly, she wins.

October 1, 2008

Congress totally revamped the 700 billion dollar bailout bill. It’s now a 700 billion dollar rescue plan. Totally different.