Daily Dose of Durst

March 19, 2010

Democrats try to scare people about the lack of health care reform, and the Republicans scare people about the passage of health care reform and they’re winning because, well, Republicans are just naturally scarier.

March 17, 2010

George W Bush is working on his autobiography. And once its published, chances are good it will be translated into English.

March 15, 2010

Senator Orrin Hatch railed that if Democrats try to jam a health care bill through Congress it will destroy bipartisanship. Oh no. Not that! They’re killing the dodo. Apparently this guy is more worried about a dead fantasy than sick Americans.

March 11, 2010

The Iditarod has begun. 1000 miles on a sled across the roughest terrain on Earth. Or as Nancy Pelosi might think of it: a walk in the park.

March 10, 2010

Senator Hatch says if Democrats push through the health care bill it will destroy bipartisanship. Oh no. Don’t kill the dodo.

March 9, 2010

Sarah Palin is working on a reality show, a movie and another book; sounds too busy for politics. If only that were true of so many others.

March 5, 2010

Scientists claim the recent 8.8 earthquake in Chile tilted the earth’s axis. Although some talk show hosts are blaming Obama for that too.

March 3, 2010

“You can have my gavel when you wrangle it from my cold dead fingers.” Okay, Charlie, your call.

March 2, 2010

I love that Canada named the Stadium where they won the Olympic hockey gold medal- the Hockey Place. That is so them.

March 1, 2010

What they say: We need to start over from scratch. What they mean: Let’s start fixing it tomorrow. Or never. Whichever comes last.

February 28, 2010

Dick Cheney is so evil, even Satan keeps throwing him back.

February 25, 2010

Dick Cheney recently suffered a fifth heart attack. Now he has one for each of his deferments.

February 24, 2010

Pot usage between the ages of 55- 59 tripled over 6 years. So gird yourself to bands of grannies roaming the malls in Whitesnake t- shirts.

February 23, 2010

With Joe Lieberman introducing legislation to repeal “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” you got to wonder who’s still for it? Bigots? Ogres? Tyrants? Mitch McConnell?

February 19, 2010

I’m all for nuclear power. When they figure out what to do with the waste, other than sticking it under trees in zip lock baggies.

February 16, 2010

Rush Limbaugh called Barack Obama “uppity.” Wow. Sounds to me like there’s only one word missing.

February 15, 2010

A few words of advice for all you anti-Obama conservatives out there. Quit it with the whole teleprompter fixation, would ya? You guys are like a pit bull with an invisible chew toy.

February 12, 2010

If all the DC politicians are forced to stay home one more day, and there’s no school again, does that qualify for child endangerment?

February 11, 2010

Due to a second major snow storm, the Capitol has plunged into paralysis, and all across the country, people are screaming, “Yes!”

February 10, 2010

Sarah Palin had crib notes inked on her hand while giving a speech where she criticized Obama for using a teleprompter. Hypocrite, or retro- techno geek?

February 9, 2010

Due to record snow in DC, all non- essential government employees were told to stay home yesterday. So Congress got another day off.

February 8, 2010

My advice to you, Mr. President: You got to fire somebody. You know: Axe. Can. Dump. Sack. Pink slip. Terminate with extreme prejudice. Discharge. Unassign. 86. Downsize. Furlough. Ease out. Make redundant. Perform a bum’s rush. Give the boot. Hand someone their marching orders. Assist in an accelerated career development shift. Impose a synergy related headcount restructuring. Heave a ho.

February 4, 2010

Should call this the “Toyota Recession” because no matter how hard we try to apply the brakes, it just keeps going.

February 3, 2010

I think Obama’s major obstacle in affecting real change is the culture of DC. To them, erosion is a radical concept.

January 28, 2010

The only public option available now is the choice of traveling to Canada by bus or by train.

January 25, 2010

State of the Union Drinking Game: The first time Barack Obama mentions bipartisanship, the last person to pretend to faint has to drink 3 shots of beer.

January 21, 2010

Simon Cowell announced this is his last year on American Idol. Apparently he wants to spend more time irritating his family.

January 20, 2010

The good news: if you don’t have insurance you can be fined and if you don’t pay the fine you can go to jail, where health care is free.

January 19, 2010

Pat Robertson says Haiti’s earthquake is God’s punishment for being a bad country. And I guess he’s ours.

January 19, 2010

Google is prepared to take on the Chinese government over the issue of censorship. I think I like Google’s State Department better than the US’s.

January 18, 2010

Sarah Palin premiered as a Fox News commentator and might get her own show. Doubt if it’d be an hour long. Probably end after 47 minutes.

January 15, 2010

Harry Reid called President Obama a light skinned, non- Negro dialect- speaking black man. That’s just political calculus. But what I’d really like to hear is what he says about Jesse Jackson.

January 14, 2010

According to Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin said her choice as VP nominee was part of God’s plan. Apparently, God has a great sense of humor.

January 13, 2010

Rudy Giuliani said we had no domestic terrorist attacks under President Bush. And within a margin of error of plus or minus one, he’s right.

January 10, 2010

The NBA suspended Gilbert Arenas. Probably a good idea. Don’t want him scaring the customers during pre game shoot-arounds.

January 8, 2010

Dubai just celebrated the opening of the world’s largest building. So now they can celebrate their bankruptcy from 2717 feet.

January 7, 2010

Got to love the TSA. What's their motto? "Responding to today’s security threats with yesterday’s technology, tomorrow."

January 6, 2010

Sarah Palin left her Hawaiian vacation early. Yeah, that’s right, she quit halfway through her vacation. Anyone sense a pattern here?

January 1, 2010

Oh great, you know what’s going to happen now. The TSA will start training agents to administer the dreaded two- handed wedgie.

December 31, 2009

$3000 in cash for a one- way ticket and no checked luggage. Nah, no red flags there. Might as well tattoo “TERRORIST” on his forehead.

December 30, 2009

As 2009 gracefully slides to a close, I think I speak for a lot or us when I say: Thank God. Bring on 2010.

December 29, 2009

What has 2009 taught us? Head down, arm straight and you can swing a five iron through the back window all the way to the driver seat headrest.

December 24, 2009

WILL DUR$T’$ 2009 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.

December 23, 2009

This particular most wonderful time of the year is proving to be a bit less than. Mainly because people like you and me (mostly you) selfishly refuse to stop whining and go out there and do their patriotic duty by sinking deeply into debt to honor the birth of that Jewish hippie kid by buying more stuff than anybody in their right mind really needs.

December 22, 2009

Insurgents are using a $26 program to hack into our predator drone video feeds. Not only that, but they get Cinemax & Showtime for free.

December 21, 2009

Political Dictionary: Earmark. A amendment to a bill friendly to the author. One man’s earmarks are another man’s payoff.

December 19, 2009

The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2009

December 18, 2009

Sarah Palin has created a new market: the illiterate bestseller. Next up: Supermodel Cookbooks. An English spice guide. Hawaiian snow shovel etiquette. The lactose intolerant cheese compendium. And finally, Literary Acquisition Guides for the George W Bush Presidential Library.

December 17, 2009

Joe Lieberman is such a GOP lap dog, if you can listen to C- SPAN real close you can hear his toenails echo off the Capitol Rotunda marble.

December 16, 2009

Sarah Palin sold almost a million copies of her autobiography to people who have never bought a book before. She’s Queen of the Illiterati.

December 15, 2009

Barack Obama gave a pro war speech accepting his Nobel Peace Prize. There he goes, breaking the mold again. I think the President should wear the Peace Prize medal around his neck everywhere. Like Flavor Flav.

December 15, 2009

The TARP bailout will cost about $200 billion less than we thought. That’s $600 for every person in the USA. I’ll take mine in quarters.

December 8, 2009

Last week, the State of Texas executed a man with an IQ of 62, in a switch from their usual practice of electing them governor.

December 4, 2009

Don’t know what the big deal is about the imposters who crashed the White House for one night. What about the imposters who crashed the White House for 8 years?

December 3, 2009

Wonder if Elin Woods is going to get an endorsement contract from Titlist. Who wouldn’t want to buy “clubs you can beat Tiger with.”

December 2, 2009

If Sarah Palin wins the 2012 Republican Presidential primary, it will go a long way to proving the Mayans right.

December 1, 2009

Obama is looking for the reset switch on the White House. He’ll find it in the same place as the mute button for Rush Limbaugh.

November 30, 2009

So what have we learned? Head down, arm straight and you can swing a nine iron through the back window all the way to the dashboard.

November 27, 2009

Anybody who leaves a nice warm pumpkin smelling house while it's still dark out to park near a cold empty shopping mall and stand in line before 8 am to buy some cheap piece of crap they could have ordered from a catalog, should sheath an eight piece set of fondue forks with their ass.

November 26, 2009

Ah, Thanksgiving: food, family & football. 3 of the 4 Fs.

November 25, 2009

Yesterday, President Obama pardoned the turkey and no, that doesn’t necessarily mean Dick Cheney is off the hook. But yeah, probably.

November 25, 2009

SC Governor Mark Sanford faces 37 violations from the State Ethics Commission. Not bad for a beginner, but he’s still no William Jefferson.

November 24, 2009

Rudy Giuliani says Sarah Palin is “great for the Republican Party.” Like termites are great for that garage you want to tear down.

November 22, 2009

The White House may soon announce President Obama has decided to delay the announcement he is nowhere near making a decision on Afghanistan.

November 21, 2009

Sarah Palin’s “Going Rogue” hit the bookstores this week. On Amazon, it's #1 in books, #1 in bios and #1 in septuagenarian abuse.

November 20, 2009

President Obama is finally back from China after an arduous couple of days visiting our money.

November 17, 2009

To promote her new autobiography, “Going Rogue,” Sarah Palin sat for an hour interview with Oprah. An hour. If only the McCain team had spent that much time vetting her.

November 16, 2009

Wall Street managed to get some swine flu virus before hospitals and schools. So now, that whole “swine” thing starts to make sense.

November 13, 2009

Banks are raising interest rates before rules go into effect to stop them from gouging. So think of this as preemptory gouging.

November 12, 2009

Why is it the same people opposed to a governmental role in health care are so serious about denying other people’s reproductive rights?

November 11, 2009

The biggest problem with celebrating Veteran’s Day is getting Joe Biden to shut up during the moment of silence.

November 10, 2009

At a U2 concert to celebrate the fall of the Berlin Wall, too many people came so MTV built a wall around the concert. That’s irony squared.

November 6, 2009

The GOP has countered with a health plan of its own. Its two major provisos are being less costly and mostly covering rich white people.

November 5, 2009

It might be said the Democrats got a wake up call on Tuesday. You might want to add the alarm clock was 10 stories tall.

November 3, 2009

Oakland Intl. Airport allows medical marijuana stashes onboard. Expect to see a petition soon to change the name to Jerry Garcia Intl.

November 2, 2009

Maybe Republicans are so set against health care reform because healthy poor people tend to vote Democratic longer.

October 27, 2009

Now is the time for all good men to put their hands together, pull them apart and rapidly put them back together again, and repeat, to give props to the President for not curling up into a fetal position with a “Kick Me” sign taped to his butt. You know. Like a Democrat. He’s taking it straight to Fox News and Rush Limbaugh, making the two crazier than a preacher at a whorehouse with a parishioner working the door.

October 23, 2009

Not only is the honeymoon with Barack Obama over, but a few liberals are seeking advice as to how to break the pre- nup.

October 20, 2009

The White house is feuding with Fox News. Totally ignoring that age old advice: never get in a fight with an ugly person; they got nothing to lose.

October 19, 2009

What’s the teachable moment from the boy in the balloon hoax? Never trust a six year old in front of a camera.

October 18, 2009

So Obama got an award. Bush got a shoe.

October 16, 2009

Certain talk show hosts have worked themselves into such a tizzy over Obama's Nobel Prize I wouldn’t be surprised to see one of them pull a Kanye West, and crash the stage during the award presentation, yelling Dick Cheney was more deserving.

October 15, 2009

Afghan President Karzai acknowledges voter fraud but says the election still deserves praise. Okay. “Hey Hamid. Nice voter fraud.”

October 14, 2009

Silly me. I was certain that Sarah Palin’s autobiography “Going Rogue” was part of the “Politics for Dummies” series.

October 13, 2009

Bomb the Moon. Win a Peace Prize. We should bomb Mars. Just to see what happens.

October 12, 2009

Loses in Copenhagen. Wins in Oslo. Sounds like a Scandinavian make up call to me.

October 10, 2009

Post-Bush administration books feature authors explaining they were just following orders. I imagine Dubyah will use the same excuse.

October 9, 2009

Consumer spending rose in September. But some analysts worry that most of the uptick was spent on Pepto Bismol and headache remedies.

October 8, 2009

Sarah Palin’s near son in law, Levi Johnson, will pose nude for Playgirl. He was waiting for an offer from the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, but the phone just never rang.

October 7, 2009

They call them Blue Dogs because they tend to stand on the oxygen tube to their own re-election campaign. And they’re not house trained.

October 6, 2009

Since his public apology, Letterman’s ratings have gone up. Could lead to talk show confession escalation. Jay Leno reveals he is Bin Laden.

October 2, 2009

I don’t know what the big deal is about death panels. They’ve been in place for years. We just call them insurance companies.

October 1, 2009

Tom DeLay stumbled into another week on Dancing With the Stars. Shouldn’t he be in jail? Why is America being punished?

September 30, 2009

The health care reform public option may not be dead, but it is on life support and there are approximately 1070 hands pulling on the plug.

September 29, 2009

Over the weekend, Tiger Woods came in 2nd and took home more than $10 million. I think he cheats.

September 28, 2009

During his 1½ hour speech at the UN, Muammar Qaadafi referred to Barack Obama as his son. So, it wasn’t Kenya, it was Libya.

September 25, 2009

SC Gov. Mark Sanford’s estranged wife is writing a memoir. Prospective titles include: “I Got Your Soul Mate Right Here.”

September 24, 2009

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke Wednesday at the UN. Where’s Joe Wilson when we need him?

September 23, 2009

Lot of evidence showing Hamid Karzai stole the Afghani presidential election. With friends like this, who needs tyrannical despots?

September 22, 2009

Apparently, some people simply cannot adjust to the fact that our country is now being governed by a black man living in public housing.

September 18, 2009

Not sure if the opposition to President Obama is racially motivated. After all, racism may be stupid, but not all stupidity is racist.

September 16, 2009

Starting to look like there’s a light at the end of the economic tunnel. Probably a 40-watt bulb.

September 15, 2009

Levi Johnston named his kid, Tripp Easton, because Easton is his favorite hockey company. Lucky he’s not into skiing. Tripp Head.

September 14, 2009

Joe Wilson (R- SC) heckled the President. Totally understandable. With all the wacky zany antics coming out of congress, he must have thought he was in a comedy club.

September 11, 2009

The government put Bernie Madoff’s beach house up for sale for $8.75 million. Course he told investors it was worth 2 billion.

September 10, 2009

The problem is, Obama has no "or else." Work with him or what? Or Joe Biden will sit next to you in the Congressional dining room every day for a week?

September 9, 2009

Scientists say swine flu is back and now it’s worse than ever. Making it what: boar flu?

September 8, 2009

Critics claim Obama’s speech to students is meant to subvert them politically. Hope it’s as effective as Reagan’s speech to kids in 88.

September 7, 2009

A calendaric conundrum. A day we celebrate what it is we do for a living by taking the day off from work.

September 6, 2009

Bankers are trying to clean up their image. Also known as hosing down the pigs.

September 5, 2009

President Clinton had to move out of his office due to an infestation of bed bugs. This guy just has no luck at all when it comes to beds.

September 4, 2009

When Dick Cheney dares to call Obama’s decision to investigate torture “political,” and doesn’t burst into flames, that’s what amazes me.

September 2, 2009

The protestors seem to be sending mixed messages. “Stop Socializing America. Leave Medicare Alone.” At least use two different signs.

September 1, 2009

The bad news is LA is surrounded by fire. The good news is: the smoke is obscuring the smog.

August 31, 2009

Dick Cheney accuses his former boss, George Bush, of forgetting who put him in office by bowing to the will of the people.

August 30, 2009

Got to give the President a big bowl of props for interrupting Obama Rama on Martha’s Vineyard with his valiant effort to paint a big old smiling happy face on the side of the economy. Although in the future, he might want to come up with something a bit more reassuring than “we’re losing jobs at a much slower pace.” About as encouraging as a squad of septuagenarian cheerleaders waving black pom-poms after a loss in the rain at night.

August 28, 2009

Senator Joe Liebermann says we can’t afford health care now. Wonder if that means he’s planning to turn in his lifetime policy?

August 27, 2009

President Obama reappointed Fed Chair Ben Bernanke. No need to take a urine sample. Obviously no performance enhancing drugs in his system.

August 26, 2009

Cigarettes have gotten so expensive, you can’t call it secondhand smoke anymore. Now, its pre-owned smoke.

August 25, 2009

Tom DeLay will appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Starting to stretch the definition of the show’s title just a bit.

August 24, 2009

The GOP is running ads criticizing President Obama for going on vacation. I guess they’d prefer he slip into a coma like Bush.

August 21, 2009

Tom DeLay will appear on “Dancing With the Stars.” Should do well. With all that experience tap dancing around the truth.

August 20, 2009

President Obama spent part of his vacation at the Grand Canyon. Probably a cautionary trip to view Bush’s final approval ratings.

August 19, 2009

Every time I hear “Cash for Clunkers” I imagine a repeating entry on a DC lobbyist’s expense report.

August 18, 2009

Dick Cheney claims Dubyah wimped out on him during their second term. Sounds like a scorned lover. I would suggest couples' therapy.

August 17, 2009

No wonder these people are leery of public health care. Its painfully obvious they have intimate experience with the failures of public education.

August 15, 2009

TV has taught us that louder is righter and Righter is Louder. And LOUDEST is RIGHTEST.

August 13, 2009

Sarah Palin says people will have to appear at “death panels.” Starting to sound like her political career lost an appeal at one.

August 12, 2009

If youth is wasted on the young, does that mean democracy is wasted on the dim?

August 11, 2009

The economy is so bad, I wouldn’t be surprised if Calderon tells Obama they’re building a wall to control our immigration.

August 10, 2009

Every time I hear about “cash for clunkers,” I think it has something to do with raising the Senate’s per diem.

August 7, 2009

The President is trying to put a happy face on the economy. But don’t you think “we’re losing jobs at a much slower pace” is a little weak?

August 6, 2009

So what have we learned? If you need to bring back male captives, send Jimmy Carter. Need to rescue female hostages, call Bill Clinton.

August 4, 2009

Nice to see Obama, in true American fashion, attempting to cure racism through the use of alcohol.

August 3, 2009

At the beer summit, Obama quaffed a Bud Light. You’d think he’d go with an American beer instead of that fine Belgian produced ale.

July 31, 2009

The only way to guarantee Congress not sucking is if we tried to force them to vacuum their own offices.

July 30, 2009

You think it’s a coincidence that “birther” rhymes with “flat earther?”

July 29, 2009

Obama is so smooth he makes Clinton look like a chunk of concrete wrapped in Velcro dipped in wallpaper paste.

July 28, 2009

Sarah Palin should be charged with leaving the scene of a crime. Or desertion.

July 24, 2009

Obama’s approval rating has plummeted. From that of Shar Pei puppies to week old ducklings.

July 23, 2009

Something the size of the Pacific Ocean slammed into Jupiter. Scientists have not ruled out William Kristol’s ego.

July 22, 2009

Sarah Palin may have broken ethics rules by accepting cash to pay off the legal debts she incurred defending herself against ethics charges.

July 21, 2009

The Pope appeared in public for the first time with a cast on his wrist. Someone should write on it: “Infallible, yes. Unbreakable, no.”

July 20, 2009

One of the toilets aboard the space station malfunctioned, giving new meaning to the phrase “going where no man has gone before.”

July 17, 2009

We’re giving Iraq back to Iraqis. Sounds like Phase One in the administration's new "catch and release" program.

July 14, 2009

Scientists released a study suggesting cancer to be a leading death in spiders. I would hazard to guess it was second only to shoes.

July 13, 2009

Turns out Cheney conducted operations so illegal, I wouldn’t be surprised to discover gasps were heard coming from Nixon’s grave.

July 10, 2009

Disney is raising theme park entrance fees again. Apparently, some families tried to sneak out with money left on their credit card limits.

July 9, 2009

When the going gets tough, the tough decline all media requests.

July 8, 2009

America needs decisive leadership. And in order to demonstrate that, Sarah Palin decisively quit.

July 6, 2009

Governor Sarah Palin quit, saying she didn’t want to hurt her constituents by being a lame duck. Too bad Bush didn’t feel the same way.

July 3, 2009

Bernie Madoff has been sentenced to 150 years in prison. And his victims hope he lives long enough to serve the whole term. In ill health.

July 2, 2009

Norm Coleman has now lost state-wide elections in Minnesota to a wrestler and a comic. So, next time out, beware that rodeo clown.

June 30, 2009

California gubernatorial candidate Jerry Brown just got a clean bill of health from his paleontologist.

June 29, 2009

If Michael Jackson had died a week earlier, Governor Mark Sanford wouldn’t just be relieved, he’d still be in Argentina.

June 26, 2009

Rush Limbaugh moaned that Governor Sanford “could have been our JFK.” That’s the problem. Apparently he was.

June 25, 2009

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford said he was gone to clear his head. So that’s what they’re calling it these days.

June 24, 2009

Turns out Vice President Cheney authorized the use of insects for torture. Makes sense. Always good to keep your native species in the mix.

June 23, 2009

Want to take this time to congratulate the Iranian people for upgrading to a participatory government where they feel empowered enough to take to the streets to complain. For those of you who have been too busy digging under bushes for returnable bottle deposits, there is major rioting going on in the country formerly known as Persia, due to their sneaking suspicion of rampant voter fraud. Hundreds of thousands are risking arrest, death and worse demonstrating their shock at the corruption of their leaders. Of course, here in the US, we’ve learned to take that sort of thing in stride and grade on a curve.

June 17, 2009

Iran is rioting because of an egregious example of voter fraud. Fortunately the US has learned to take that kind of stuff in stride.

June 16, 2009

Good news is the White House says we’ve hit bottom. Bad news is Bush may have installed a basement.

June 15, 2009

Looks like Ahmedinejad has the Iran Presidency locked up, along with a few members of the opposition.

June 12, 2009

Not overly encouraged by Obama’s take on Secretary of Treasury Geithner: “Doing a heck of a job, Timmy.”

June 11, 2009

Congress passed a bill allowing loaded handguns to be carried into national parks so we can defend ourselves after we have to move into them.

June 10, 2009

Say what you will, Obama does not shrink from the big jobs. First GM, now the Middle East. Next: Oprah’s weight.

June 9, 2009

Seems like the banking industry’s motto is: “if at first you don’t succeed, how bout a bonus?”

June 5, 2009

At the rate they’re going, by 2012 the GOP will be so small, you’ll be able to drown the lot of them in Grover Norquist's bathtub.

June 4, 2009

Obama’s Cairo speech won't instantly repair US- Muslim relations. But reminding folks he's not Bush is never a bad idea.

June 1, 2009

Rush Limbaugh calling Sonia Sotomayor a racist is like a Hummer calling a minivan annoying.

May 29, 2009

It's curious that President Obama picked his Supreme Court Justice Nominee in about a quarter of the time it took him to choose a family dog.

May 28, 2009

The GOP worried the President’s use of the word “empathy,” is code for a radical left wing activist judge. Well there’s your problem right there.

May 27, 2009

Sarah Palin signed a contract to write her memoirs, to make sure the exploitation of her family is accurate.

May 26, 2009

57% of Republicans say Dick Cheney is hurting the party. And 100% of Democrats support his right to keep on doing it.

May 25, 2009

What this country needs is an up front national referendum on whether we should or shouldn’t be torturing people. Oh wait. That’s right, we did have one . . . Last November 4th.

May 22, 2009

Clinton called Cheney out of line for acting like he was still in office. The two of them going mano a mano would involve four faces.

May 21, 2009

The bad news is gas prices are going up. The good news is, nobody has any money to go anywhere.

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Craigslist has replaced “erotic services” with “adult services.” Either way, diapers are probably involved.

May 20, 2009

Chrysler says bankruptcy will make them more competitive. So, outright death would make them more… vigorous?

May 19, 2009

Nancy Pelosi and the CIA are exchanging charges of lying. Don’t you hate it when lovers’ spats go public?

May 15, 2009

Top GM executives sold all their shares in the company recently. Can’t tell if they beat the rats leaving the sinking ship or if they are the rats.

May 14, 2009

Medicare and Social Security are closer to default than thought. So we may have to put off getting older for a while.

May 13, 2009

Obama got in trouble using the word “empathy” about his Supreme Court search. Conservatives were thinking more along the lines of “pitiless.”

May 12, 2009

The Pope denounced the ideological manipulation of religion. The Pope did. Isn’t that like pot calling the bushes green?

May 11, 2009

The fed ran a stress test on big American banks. The good news is they’re healthy. The bad news is that’s compared to Dick Cheney.

May 9, 2009

I’m pretty sure the Republican argument is that closing off-shore tax haven loopholes now would hurt rich people at a bad time.

May 7, 2009

The swine flu is having a huge effect on haute cuisine with chefs being encouraged to remove pork tartare from their menus.

May 6, 2009

Governor Schwarzenegger has not ruled out legalizing marijuana. How soon before Twinkies becomes the official snack of California?

May 5, 2009

The swine flu is now officially SOIV, Swine Originated Influenza Virus, because, god forbid, we might accidentally defame our proud American pork producers.

May 4, 2009

You know why there are no Republicans in the new Star Trek movie? Because it’s set in the future.

May 1, 2009

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter switched from Republican to Democrat. Clever rat: from a sinking ship to a floundering one.

April 29, 2009

The top three groups thought susceptible to swine flue are seniors, children and members of Congress. The first two due to their immune system deficiencies and the latter because of their propensity for fondling pork.

April 28, 2009

No matter how bad your job is, remember, you are not the Mexican Minister of Tourism.

April 24, 2009

Obama is being accused of having it in for George Bush. Yeah. Him and 64 million other Americans.

April 23, 2009

Fidel says Obama misread Raul Castro’s friendly overtures. Nice job, Fidel. Now you’ve pissed off the entire world AND your brother.

April 22, 2009

Turns out we waterboarded a guy 183 times. And you can bet that 183rd time was exponentially more productive than the 182nd time.

April 20, 2009

A California assemblyman introduced a bill (AB 390) for the state to tax marijuana for sale. He couldn’t wait 30 more bills for AB 420?

April 17, 2009

A San Francisco supervisor wants the city to sell pot. Then they get into the munchie cart business.

April 16, 2009

The President says to build our house on a rock. Yeah, what if the contractor’s drunk?

April 15, 2009

Aaah, tax day. You pay taxes and I pay taxes. The only difference is you don’t pay enough and I pay way too much.

April 14, 2009

The only law a pirate understands is a bigger pirate. Obama should stop shaving. Call himself Blackbeard. Even if it comes in gray… Arrgh Diplomacy.

April 13, 2009

Who would have thought the big foreign policy crisis this year would be pirates? What’s next: scurvy?

April 12, 2009

Vermont is the fourth state to allow same sex marriages, obviously believing that gays have the same right as the rest of us to be miserable.

April 10, 2009

President Obama replaced “War on Terror,” with “Overseas Contingency Operation.” At least I knew what the old one meant.

April 9, 2009

Prime Minister Putin’s plan to revive Russia includes a series of tax cuts. Going to have to start calling this guy Bush III.

April 8, 2009

My plan this year involves having Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner paying my taxes. I might need bail money as well.

April 7, 2009

GM introduced a program that covers new car payments if the buyer gets canned from his job. Sounds like an in-house promotion.

April 6, 2009

Benjamin Netanyahu is Israel’s Prime Minister. Again. They run that office like volleyball. Same five guys. Every four years someone yells “Rotate.”

April 3, 2009

Federal prosecutors say Marion Barry, DC councilman, owes $277,000 in back taxes. So he looks in line for an Obama appointment.

April 2, 2009

Expectations for the G-20 have sunk so low that if they manage to agree on whether the caterer serves creamy or deli cold slaw at lunch, the confab will be considered a success.

April 1, 2009

The G-20 meets in London this week, which consists of the leaders of the top 20 world economies plus Spain and Netherlands. The problem is G-22 sounds too much like a Bingo call.

March 31, 2009

I think the proof that there is intelligent life on other planets is the fact they’ve obviously chosen not to contact us.

March 30, 2009

Sarah Palin hopes to raise $12 million to explore a 2012 presidential bid. And that should cover her exploratory wardrobe budget.

March 27, 2009

One thing you got to say about Bush: His ego is capable of supporting a much larger talent.

March 26, 2009

George Bush reportedly is getting $7 million for his memoirs. Don’t know who’s going to edit it, but I bet they burn through about 4 spell checks.

March 25, 2009

Word on the street is that George Bush plans to write his memoirs. Oh sure, now he gets interested in book learning.

March 23, 2009

One thing Obama has done: sales of maple leaf patches for backpacks while traveling overseas are way down.

March 20, 2009

On the bright side, this is a very good time to own a pawn shop.

March 19, 2009

I’m not sure that AIG is completely clear on the concept of the word “bonus.”

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Truth in advertising may force the State of California to change its motto from The Golden State to The Golden Plated State.

March 18, 2009

So far the only thing the new economic stimulus package has aroused is my suspicions.

March 17, 2009

I wonder if the IRS will allow us to directly deposit our tax payments into the checking accounts of various AIG executives.

March 13, 2009

A lot of his clients think Bernie Madoff’s possible 150 year sentence is just a slap on the wrists.

March 12, 2009

Not sure, but I think I just saw a picture of the Republican Party leadership on the side of a milk carton.

March 11, 2009

Good news is: public transit riders are up. Bad news is: we can’t even afford that.

March 10, 2009

Now, the recession is our fault because we’re not buying enough stuff. I knew the bad guys looked familiar.

March 9, 2009

President Obama reversed a Bush initiative that weakened the Endangered Species Act,which co-incidentally now covers moderate Republicans..

March 7, 2009

Who cares whether we’re employed or not? Don’t we realize we are the pistons that drive the free market engine? It’s our God- given patriotic duty to go out there and buy stuff we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.

March 6, 2009

Banks are raising interest rates so high, Capitol One’s new logo should feature a dorsal fin.

March 5, 2009

RNC chair Michael Steele apologized to Rush Limbaugh. I bet Rush not only makes him kiss his ring, but keeps it in his back pocket.

March 4, 2009

I’m not sure if we’re actually leaving Iraq or if, just like a lot of things, the war is going out of business.

March 3, 2009

Some say Obama is arrogant. Yeah, but he’s smart. We already tried arrogant and stupid. And that didn’t work.

March 2, 2009

Paul Harvey died over the weekend. And now we know the end of the story.

March 1, 2009

Joe Biden filled the role of court jester again by allowing himself to be the butt of the President’s jokes. He’s becoming the Tommy Smothers of the new Administration. “The public always liked you best.”

February 28, 2009

Obama's speech wasn’t about specifics. It was a halftime pep talk from a coach whose team is down by 4 touchdowns. “Don’t you know who we think we are? We’re America dammit. When we say we’re going to kick some serious innovative butt, you can bet the wind farm that we will."

February 27, 2009

Stepping into the den of 535 lions (okay, 534 and Roland Burris,) the new President proved himself to be a worthy equal to Ronald Reagan when it comes to lofty unbridled optimism. Which is good. Because he spent most of his first thirty days warning us about the true state of the economy. Which is bad. Really bad. Oh don’t get me wrong, it could be worse. So far, no nostril leeches. Fingers crossed.

February 26, 2009

Had to love Nancy Pelosi bouncing up and down like a peripatetic yo- yo in her official capacity as speech cheerleader. All she needed was pom poms.

February 25, 2009

It wasn’t really a State of the Union Address. But close. Sort of a pseudo SOTU.

February 24, 2009

Now the recession is affecting Girl Scout cookie sales. This is one un-American recession.

February 23, 2009

The NAACP should erect a statue of George Bush. After all, if it weren’t for him, we might not have had a black President for another forty years.

February 20, 2009

The biggest beneficiary of the Bush legacy has to be Herbert Hoover who moves from 3rd worst President to 4th worst.

February 16, 2009

At last the Republicans have boiled the essence of their party down to one word: “NO.”

February 14, 2009

Citizens of America, stay in your homes. The Minority leadership unleashed their legions of virtual undead to battle the White House’s economic stimulus package with a soul sapping single- mindedness and they’re still out there. (more)

February 13, 2009

Barack Obama is learning that Congress plays hardball. A lot of them have been at it for a long time. And have never worn helmets.

February 12, 2009

Don’t know what George Bush has in mind post presidency, but I’m pretty sure we can rule out Think Tank.

February 11, 2009

The annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is this week, remaining the only competition where participants clean their scrotum on camera. Except for C-SPAN.

February 10, 2009

A total of 3 Republicans in all of Congress voted for the new stimulus bill. This new spirit of bipartisanship looks pretty similar to that old spirit of heavy partisanship.

February 7, 2009

What we’ve been experiencing is bank robbery in reverse. The perps didn’t even bother wearing masks. And triggered absolutely no silent alarms. The problem is, those security cameras in the lobby are pointing the wrong way. You should do what I do. Now, every time I make a deposit, I ask the teller for two pieces of identification, and, “Oh yeah, what’s your mother’s maiden name?”

February 6, 2009

The Minnesota Senate race drags on. Whenever one of these guys is finally seated, it will be just in time to start running again.

February 5, 2009

The Obama people have a clever plot to raise money. They appoint people who have to pay off their back taxes before confirmation. Couple more and we’ll have this whole stimulus thing covered.

February 4, 2009

The Republicans claim they want to work with President Obama. And they do. The same way a 5 year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants.

February 3, 2009

Secretary of Health and Human Services appointee Tom Daschle says he’s sorry he didn’t pay $128,000 in taxes. I think “sorry” starts to disintegrate whenever it accompanies three digits left of the comma.

February 2, 2009

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow which means 6 more years of recession.

January 30, 2009

Chances are Blagojevich will make more from his book deal than he ever hoped to extort from his constituent victims.

January 29, 2009

Thank god Barack Obama wears suits or he and George Bush wouldn’t have anything in common.

January 28, 2009

Congress is now trying to teach President Barack Obama the true meaning of bipartisan. With the emphasis on the “buy.”

January 27, 2009

President Obama’s foreign policy plan is being called too ambitious. Kind of odd to hear “Democratic plan” and “ambitious” used in the same sentence.

January 26, 2009

Dick Cheney supposedly pulled a hamstring while moving boxes. I think he just tried to weasel some Workman’s Comp on the last day of his government job. Also surprised to hear that he even thought they were empty, Pandora wanted her boxes back.

January 25, 2009

It might have been the shortest honeymoon this side of a drunken Britney Spears careening off of quarter poker video games in Vegas. I’m talking about Barack Obama’s relationship with the press after his Inauguration as the 44th President of the United States. (more)

January 24, 2009

Cabs in DC during the Inauguration festivities were like available mortgages in Florida: a charming but imaginary concept.

January 23, 2009

Amazingly enough, even with 2 million people on the mall, there were no arrests in DC. Not that there was no crime. After all, Congress was still in session.

January 22, 2009

The way he left this country, let’s just put it this way. George Bush is not getting his security deposit back.

January 21, 2009

For we 2 million people on the mall, Tuesday’s Inauguration was like going to heaven and coming home. Only we had to walk both ways.

January 20, 2009

For we comics, losing Bush is like losing a trusted drug dealer.

January 19, 2009

The Inaugural Committee has set up a special area for protests. Its called Wyoming.

November 18, 2008

An economist is a person who can tell you tomorrow exactly why what he predicted yesterday didn’t go down today.

November 17, 2008

Hillary Clinton is reportedly in line for a position in Barack Obama’s Cabinet. Which leaves Bill free to teach a course in situational ethics.

November 14, 2008

President Elect Obama plans to hit the ground running, which is what George Bush tried to do, but forgot to land on his feet.

November 13, 2008

As President Bush faces retirement, he looks forward to a lifetime of figurehead status with actually no powers. So, no big change there.

November 12, 2008

If President-elect Obama wants to best utilize his Democratic Congressional majority, he should read up on cat herding.

November 11, 2008

90-year-old Senator Robert Byrd is stepping down as chair of the Appropriations Committee, to be replaced by 84-year-old Senator Daniel Inouye. Another stirring example of Barack Obama’s sweeping youth movement.

November 10, 2008

John McCain married two beauty queens and picked another as his VP nominee. He could run for Hugh Hefner. That job looks as if it is going to open up soon.

November 7, 2008

In comparisons with his predecessor, Barack Obama should fare well. In the last couple years, Bush didn’t just lower the bar, he buried it.

November 4, 2008

Remember if you don’t vote, you can’t bitch. And you do do that, don’t you?

October 31, 2008

President Bush dropped by McCain headquarters to give the volunteers a pep talk. Then the CDC quarantined the building and hosed it down containing any possible contagion.

October 30, 2008

Barack Obama’s half hour infomercial delayed the resumption of the fifth game of the World Series by a half hour. He may have influenced some undecideds but he just lost Pennsylvania.

October 28, 2008

The Anchorage Daily News endorsed Obama over hometown governor Sarah Palin’s ticket. That’s got to be a kick in the moose.

October 27, 2008

Still can’t figure out who these undecideds are or what they’re waiting for: McCain to get younger or Obama to get whiter?

October 24, 2008

The new theory is that McCain is throwing the election on purpose. That would explain why he’s running around like an ornery troll with irritable bowel syndrome. Who’s playbook is that? Ross Perot’s?

October 23, 2008

McCain is accusing Obama of wanting to “redistribute the wealth” and millions of broke Americans are saying, “Yeah, and what’s wrong with that again?”

October 22, 2008

A Presidential running mate is like the paint job on a used car. Crazy or yellow might put you off, but anything else you can learn to live with.

October 21, 2008

Poor Fox TV. I think they’d get better ratings for the bronze medal competition than they will for the World Series.

October 20, 2008

So, except for it not being the guy’s name or profession, that whole Joe the Plumber thing worked out pretty well for John McCain.

October 18, 2008

For the third consecutive debate, the Grand Old Man of the Grand Old Party neglected to include a single mention of the middle class, but then again, he also failed to talk about three-toed albino tree elves, and the general assumption is, to him, both are fictional.

October 17, 2008

This stock market crash is worse than a divorce. I’m worth half of what I was, and yet I’m still married.

October 16, 2008

McCain called Joe Biden’s partition plan “cockamamie"? Is he really that worried about trying to nail down that all-important crotchety vote?

October 14, 2008

I don't know what's scarier: the situation the next President of the United States is going to inherit, or the fact that both these guys want it so bad.

October 13, 2008

Got totally slammed by the stock market crash. Would have lost more, but thank god, I ran out of money.

October 10, 2008

McCain says he keeps crossing the aisle but Barack only votes with the Democrats. Aren’t those the same people he’s crossing the aisle to vote with?

October 9, 2008

For the second consecutive debate, John McCain didn’t mention the middle class once. Of course he didn’t mention three-toed amber elves either. Not sure he believes in either one of them.

October 8, 2008

John McCain spent the debate looking like a grumpy old man who neglected to take his daily fiber supplement.

October 7, 2008

His staff is worried John McCain is going to snap. Bet for Tuesday’s debate, they have some guy waiting in the wings with a fire extinguisher. “He’s going to blow.”

October 6, 2008

My 401k is now a 201k.

October 3, 2008

Being largely a crisis of confidence over our foundering Ship of State, it is more comforting than polar bear fur against a naked buttock knowing George Bush is steady at the helm. He actually said out loud in front of people holding microphones “we’re working hard on economic turmoil.” Thanks George. Finally gets one thing right, and its economic turmoil. I ask you now: What are the odds?

October 2, 2008

Sarah Palin’s people are setting the expectations bar so low, if she pronounces her running mate’s name correctly, she wins.

October 1, 2008

Congress totally revamped the 700 billion dollar bailout bill. It’s now a 700 billion dollar rescue plan. Totally different.