December 30, 2006

The good part of crossing the threshold of a new year is you get to start over. The bad part is you have to do it from where you are now.

December 29, 2006

A new study claims America’s number one cash crop is marijuana. Same study says the top food in the country is Twinkies.

December 27, 2006

As a condition of his parole, Dr. Jack Kevorkian agreed not to assist in any suicides. I imagine giving directions to the nearest Taco Bell would be considered a no-no.

December 26, 2006

I’m thinking if George Bush got a lump of coal for Xmas, Santa is sluffing off in his old age. Of course, you never hear of Santa giving a good pistol whipping as a present.

December 23, 2006

President Bush admitted that success in Iraq is coming slower than he expected. My guess is he waited too long and now it's back ordered on Amazon.

December 22, 2006

Vice President Dick Cheney will be summoned as a defense witness in Scooter Libby’s trial. If I’m the prosecutor, I’m wearing a three-piece Kevlar suit.

December 21, 2006

Now President Bush wants to send MORE troops to Iraq. This guy refuses to listen to anybody. The Iraqi people, the American people, his own intelligence Estimates, bi partisan Study Groups, his wife, Laura, or Barney, his dog.

December 19, 2006

The latest form of political theater descending on DC is the crying of crocodile tears. “Our prayers go out to him and his family. (Short pause--turn to center camera) But if, God forbid, he does die, we trust Governor Mike Rounds will do the right thing. And appoint a Republican to fill his seat, bringing the Senate back to dead even. No pun intended. Then when Vice President Dick Cheney breaks the 50- 50 tie, the America-loving GOP will retain control of the senior branch of Congress and the sun will shine and birds will fly, but not a single George Bush-directed subpoena will.”

December 18, 2006

Thinking of writing a new kids’ book: “Not Only Does Heather Have Two Mommies But Grandpa is Vice President.”

December 15, 2006

George Bush’s biggest fear is the new Democratic majority may embrace the “M” word. Mpeachment.

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December 14, 2006

As Madame Speaker- elect, Nancy Pelosi is only 2 chicken bones away from the Presidency. And Bush does not look like a picky eater.

December 13, 2006

Bush's press conference with Tony Blair last week could have been a Tivo of any of his previous eighty gazilliion press conferences with Tony Blair. Tony looks and sounds like a statesman and George like an eighth grader trying to fake his way through a book report on a classic he didn’t bother to skim. Does the term “Cliff Notes” have any meaning here?

December 12, 2006

Congressman Charles Rangel floated a proposal to re-institute the draft. Of course, the normal deferments will exist. Critical occupations, disabled persons, and rich kids.

December 11, 2006

President Bush just got back from traveling the world, where he was exposed to different customs, languages and cultures, which should help him prepare to work with the incoming Democratic Congress.

December 8, 2006

The bipartisan Iraq Study Group provided 79 recommendations for helping the situation in Iraq. Unfortunately, none of them involved the President and Vice President resigning.

December 7, 2006

The bipartisan Iraq Study Group released a report determining we messed up in Iraq. Glad we spent a million dollars for that.

December 5, 2006

The bad news: a majority of Democrats say they do not want John Kerry to win his party's 2008 nomination. The worse news: a majority of Republicans DO want him to win the 2008 nomination.

December 4, 2006

Bush doesn’t want to call what’s going on in Iraq, “a civil war.” But he’s not real fond of “unholy mess” either.

December 1, 2006

Ford Motors announced 38,000 employees accepted their buyout offer which is about twice as many people who bought Fords this year.

November 30, 2006

That old George Bush magnetism has struck again. Now, its Iraqi Prime Minister Al- Mailiki who was initially reluctant to meet him. Hopefully, Laura is on the trip, so Bush is guaranteed some company.

November 28, 2006

Bush said he was going to stay the course in Iraq even if only Barney and Laura were supporting him. Rumor has it Barney’s been talking to Jack Murtha.

November 27, 2006

George Bush is off to see Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri Al-Maliki. Nice of him not to do it in an e-mail: “Dear Nouri.”

November 24, 2006

I'd like to give thanks to the corporate marketers who delayed their Christmas shopping campaigns until early August in an obviously patriotic refusal to infringe on the sanctity of the Fourth of July.

November 23, 2006

Always look forward to the Thanksgiving family reunion. Until 5 seconds after I hit the front porch and then I remember… why I left home.

November 22, 2006

President Bush was amazed to be in Vietnam, “a country that tormented us.” We killed 2 million of its citizens and raked it with napalm, and they tormented us by not standing still.

The good news for the Republicans is, after less than two weeks wandering in the wilderness, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. The bad news for the American people is, the light being produced just might be coming from the flames emanating from a burning cross.

November 21, 2006

Welcome back, Trent Lott! You’re a breath of stale air.

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November 14, 2006

President Bush says he wants to work with Democrats in the 110th Congress. Yeah, the same way a five year old with a magnifying glass wants to work with ants.

November 13, 2006

George Bush is scheduled to go to Vietnam on Tuesday for an economic summit. Of course, he could decide to re-up with the National Guard.

November 12, 2006

For those who can’t wait to get Nancy Pelosi down on the ground to shave her head and expose her horns, I regret to inform you, they aren’t there. She's a kindly old grandmother now. Rightwing talk radio hosts say she represents San Francisco values.

People around the country are wondering, "Just what are those values?" Glad you asked. Pull up a chair. What we believe in are the rights of the individual.

We go out of our way not to place restrictions on people or their actions or religions or appearances. When you think about it, what they’re really afraid of is the freedoms that citizens of San Francisco enjoy. That’s right, they hate us for our freedoms.

November 10, 2006

The Republicans should be grateful. Because if it weren’t for Democratic persistence they wouldn’t still be able to file for protection under the Endangered Species Act.

November 9, 2006

The race for the Virginia Senate seat looks like it will go down to a recount. And for anybody who remembers Florida in 2000, its time to pull the trigger on that case of Tums.

November 8, 2006

With the change in the House, Nancy Pelosi will only be an unchewed pretzel and a loud noise away from the Presidency.

November 7, 2006

Everyone who was offended by John Kerry’s joke should get pay back by not voting for him today.

November 6, 2006

This isn’t an election. It's an intervention.

November 4, 2006

George Bush is like if Reagan and Quayle had a kid.

November 3, 2006

John Kerry may have botched a joke but George Bush botched a war.

November 2, 2006

John Kerry is the ultimate Democrat. He can lose an election he’s not even running in.

November 1, 2006

Phil Angelides has run such a lousy campaign for California Governor, Democrats are considering him for President in 2008.

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October 31, 2006

Congress might not even put in 100 days working at the Capitol this year. Who do these guys think they are? Maytag repairmen?

October 30, 2006

Rush Limbaugh has apologized for criticizing Michael J Fox, and Michael J Fox has apologized for “Life With Mikey.”

October 27, 2006

If you need more proof that President George Bush is as clueless as a goldfish on a leash in a space shuttle, you obviously didn’t see him in all his counter-intuitive glory this week adamantly refuting the slogan of “staying the course” while keeping its policy EXACTLY THE SAME. That’s right, George Bush is cutting and running from “stay the course.” This doesn’t mean he’s a Defeatlican, though. Because “we are winning in Iraq and will continue to win.” And you’d better hope we do, because if this is winning, you really REALLY don’t want to see what losing looks like.

He went on to speak of the differences between “a timetable” and “benchmarks,” declaring one to be the way of the winner and the other the path to Loserville City. Now, as to which is which, your guess is as good as anybody’s. And that probably includes his own staff. It definitely includes Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al- Maliki, who either has or hasn’t agreed to benchmarks or timetables or touchstones or yardsticks, although a Donald Rumsfeld yard sign looks to be entirely out of the question.

October 26, 2006

Bush’s poll numbers are hovering around thirty five, while Dick Cheney is in the low twenties and Mark Foley is dipping into the teens.

October 25, 2006

George Bush is cutting and running from “stay the course.” Must mean he’s a Defeatlican.

October 24, 2006

Republicans continue to sell themselves as defenders of the little guy with such proposals as their tax breaks on mortgages for second and third homes--which are available to everyone, rich and poor.

October 23, 2006

Privately, Democrats can’t imagine impeaching Bush over lies told about Iraq. It would be too hard to prove he was in the loop.

October 20, 2006

Senator Joe Lieberman told a reporter he didn’t know which would be better, Democratic or Republican control of Congress. Maybe it would be better if he took some time off to think about it. Like 6 years.

October 19, 2006

The Bush Administration is considering changes to its policy in Iraq. One of its ideas is to replace the phrase “cut and run” with “sever and split.”

October 17, 2006

Air samples failed to detect radiation in the wake of North Korea’s nuclear test. Speculation centers on seismic activity having been triggered by a synchronized country wide jumping jack exhibition.

October 16, 2006

So many Congressman are going to prison, it might just be easier to issue them all orange jump suits when they’re inaugurated.

October 13, 2006

Yes, terrorism exists. But in Great Britain and Israel and a lot of other civilized countries, they reconcile themselves to that fact and manage to expend their energies trying to solve it like a criminal activity and not obsess about it full time, curled in a fetal position shivering like a shaved poodle on an ice rink, fearful of the unknown.

Now lettuce is on the e coli scare list. Pretty soon it’ll be string beans, brussels sprouts and then broccoli. This whole thing smacks of having been engineered by some third grader .

October 12, 2006

The US is trying to organize a ban on luxury good exports to North Korea. Of course in North Korea, luxury items include soap.

October 11, 2006

Kim Jong Il is a chip off the old block. And the old block was crazy too.

October 10, 2006

Even though the Yankees had twice the payroll of anybody else, they still got bounced from the playoffs, an example the Democrats are seeking inspiration from.

October 9, 2006

Republicans charge the Mark Foley scandal is a plot by the Democrats. Their proof is, "It's the perfect political strategy with impeccable election day timing.” I don’t know, doesn’t sound like the Democrats to me.

October 7, 2006

Hubris. (Hyoo-bris) –noun. Excessive pride or self-confidence. Arrogance.

That’s the dry dictionary definition. But if you want to see hubris in all its gooey partisan glory, check out the machinations Speaker of the House, Dennis Hastert, is going through as he twists and turns like a Chinese acrobat in zero gravity reacting to the Congressional page scandal. His first vault into the Olympics of sleaze was picking up the phone. Why? To express his outrage at Florida Republican Mark Foley’s inappropriate overtures to young boys? Unh, no. Okay, to console the families of the children ensnared in these lurid imprecations? Well, no, not precisely that either. Then, to demand an investigation into why the report on Foley’s behavior was buried by his office? Well, unh, no, no, not really, no. Wait! Wait! Let me think. Unh, no. No. Fraid not.

He called to demand an investigation into who leaked the report. In the face of overwhelmingly lurid evidence, his major priority was to cover his ass. This guy is so transparent I’m surprised he hasn’t leased himself out during winter recess as a storm window. By refusing to investigate, he allowed a sexual predator to remain chairman of the House Caucus on Missing and Exploited Children, which would be funny in a sad and degrading way if only it weren’t. But it does give a whole new meaning to “no child left behind.”

October 6, 2006

The Republican echo chamber is calling the Foley scandal just a blip on the electoral landscape. A blip that registered on the Richter scale at about 9.3.

October 5, 2006

Congressman Mark Foley entered rehab for alcohol abuse and won’t be available for comment until after his release, scheduled for some time after 8:00 pm PST, November 7.

October 3, 2006

Ever notice that most of the advertisements on Fox News are for erectile dysfunction and constipation remedies? Which indicates to me that the average Fox News viewer can’t get it up because they’re too full of crap.

October 2, 2006

Bob Woodward’s new book about the Bush Administration is called “State of Denial.” And it appears to be the reddest of all states.

September 29, 2006

Ohio Republican Congressman Bob Ney is going to prison to join the dregs of society. No, wait, that’s the group he’s leaving.

September 28, 2006

Bill Frist said he hasn’t read the National Intelligence Estimate. The report was finished in April. And he hasn’t read it?

You know what, we need a Senate Majority Leader who can read.

September 27, 2006

George Bush has declassified portions of the National Intelligence Estimate on Iraq. The portions that make the Administration look good. All three words.

September 26, 2006

Fox News. An oxymoron. A lot like saying the “George W Bush” Mensa application.

September 25, 2006

To President Bush, the “moral high ground” means whoever is speaking from on top of the taller pile of dead enemy bodies.

September 22, 2006

Willie Nelson just got busted for pot. This is a revelation on the order of discovering hookers in Hollywood.

September 21, 2006

Hugo Chavez called the President “the devil” at the UN, which is ridiculous. Bush is not the devil. Cheney is.

Representative Bob Ney is going to jail while retaining his seat in Congress. No rule forcing convicted Congressmen to leave. Thank god, or the place could be empty.

September 20, 2006

Presidents Bush and Ahmadinejad spoke at the UN on the same day but didn’t meet. And probably won’t until the President completes his six-hour course on how to pronounce the guy’s name.

September 18, 2006

Congressman Bob Ney, R- Ohio, has pled guilty and is going to jail for his part in the Abramoff scandal. Wonder how he’ll like munching on those “loss of freedom fries?”

September 14, 2006

Apparently, President Bush has so much respect for the victims of 9/11 that he formed their ashes into the shape of a football and kicked them around the country for a week of electioneering photo ops.

September 12, 2006

Tony Blair announced he is going to resign within a year, so the magic touch of George W. Bush continues.

September 11, 2006

We can’t find Osama bin Laden, but Barry Bonds’ trainer is back in jail again, so at least we got our priorities straight.

September 10, 2006

When Dubyah played the Nazi card, calling Democratic plans for a phased withdrawal of our forces from Iraq an appeasement similar to Chamberlain’s treatment of Hitler in 39, I’m surprised he didn’t unveil secret footage of Nancy Pelosi brandishing a rolled up umbrella.

September 9, 2006

Bush has apparently decided to prepare us for our national day of mourning by delivering a week long series of seminars on fear mongering. Okay, okay, maybe “fear mongering” is a bit much. Perhaps a better phrase would be “PR campaign of cheap political calculation,” or “systematic exploitative pandering” or “a typical sleazy example from the Karl Rove electioneering handbook.” Or as we have come to know it during the last six years: “business as usual.”

September 8, 2006

White House spokesman Tony Snow rejected the Dems' proposal to fire Donald Rumsfeld, saying that portraying Rumsfeld as a bogeyman may make good politics but makes for lousy strategy. And if anyone is experienced in identifying lousy strategies, it's the White House.

September 7, 2006

Donald Rumsfeld underwent rotator cuff surgery. Must have been all those curveballs he’s been throwing the press.

September 6, 2006

McDonald's has a game where its giving away Hummers as prizes. Nice to see they’re concerned about the future transportation of their bloated overweight customers.

September 5, 2006

Afghanistan's opium harvest is set to increase by nearly 60 percent this year, 30 percent above world demand. So who says there’s no good news in the war on terrorism?

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August 25, 2006

Speaking of Iraq, President Bush said, “we’re not leaving as long as I’m President.” Hey, whatever it takes.

August 24, 2006

Administration officials say they’re considering alternatives to democracy in Iraq. Probably considering the same kind of monarchy they got going on over here.

August 23, 2006

Bush's attempt at his press conference to sound reasonable succeeded the same way a rabid flatulent weasel hiding in a half empty Whole Foods spinach fettucine bin does. He was much like a man intent on breaking through a brick wall using only his forehead. While you got to admire his persistence you probably don’t want him doing math.

August 18, 2006

AG Alberto Gonzales is studying British strategies for detaining suspects. Might also want to reference the Huns and Mongols, who were absolute wizards at convincing potential combatants from taking up arms against them by cutting off their arms.

August 17, 2006

Republicans are attacking immigrants for taking American jobs. If you’re losing your job to a non-English speaker without a sixth-grade education, maybe immigration isn’t your biggest problem.

August 16, 2006

The reason we don’t have liquid bomb detection technology is because Bush wasted all our money on his rich buddies. Is Paris Hilton going to buy DC’s Dulles Airport a liquid bomb scanner? I don’t think so. I doubt if she can spell “DC.”

August 15, 2006

Apparently, the Republican strategy for November is to paint Democrats as shadow agents of Al Qaeda. Expect to see a campaign ad of Hillary Clinton wearing a burka.

August 11, 2006

Bush is creating terrorists faster than he can kill them. Makes you wonder if anybody in this Mickey Mouse administration has seen “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.”

August 10, 2006

Rumsfeld keeps saying we must “Stay the course.” Now if only he would tell us exactly where this course is.

August 9, 2006

Maybe the voters of Connecticut did not mean the election of Ned Lamont to have any national repercussions. Maybe they finally came to the realization that after three long terms, Joe Lieberman is annoying.

August 5, 2006

The Republicans just barely missed pushing through a bogus minimum wage bill that also would finally accomplish their thick-headed goal of eliminating the estate tax so that Paris Hilton gets every damn penny she deserves. Well, perhaps that’s imprecise phrasing.

August 4, 2006

The 800-year-old Fidel Castro is supposedly on death's door and has handed over power of Cuba to his kid brother, Raul, who is only 700 years old.

August 3, 2006

The temperature in New York City is hitting triple digits. Aaah, the smell of hot urine.

August 2, 2006

You know that phrase “any publicity is good publicity"? Well, Mel Gibson is about to put it to the acid test.

August 1, 2006

The reason Democrats are so intent on passing the stem cell bill is they’re depending on the research to help them grow a spine.

July 31, 2006

I wonder if the terrorists shuttling between Lebanon and Iraq right now are racking up frequent flier miles.

July 28, 2006

Ask George Bush to play Sudoku and he’ll keep trying to put Xs and Os in the little boxes.

July 27, 2006

Iraqi Prime Minister al-Maliki wants America to stay in his country until his own government is able to protect the Iraqi people. So, I’m thinking another 15 centuries ought to do it.

July 25, 2006

Isn’t it ironic that the only person able to stand up to Iran, Saddam Hussein, is currently indisposed?

July 24, 2006

George Bush is a Wheel of Fortune President in a Jeopardy world.

July 22, 2006

After Bush's attempt at a back rub, German Chancellor Angela Merkel hunched her shoulders, grimaced, and threw up her hands in an apparent plea for the World Court to augment Bush’s future war crimes trial with a sexual harassment charge. I imagine we should consider ourselves lucky he didn’t grab her butt and make “honk- honk” noises. Or pulled a “gotcha” where he pokes her in the chest and then tweaks her nose after she looks down.

July 21, 2006

Speaking to President Hu of China, the President confessed surprise that it took 8 hours for Hu to get home. “Wow. Russia’s a big country. So is China.” Yep George, China is a big country. Got a lot of people too. And really great Chinese food. But they don’t deliver.

July 20, 2006

Unaware of an open microphone, Bush said the “s” word at the G-8 conference. And Cheney chimed in “big time.”

July 19, 2006

George Bush gave a neck rub to the Chancellor of Germany Angela Merkel, who reacted with typical Teutonic aplomb, tensing up tighter than a retaining wire on the mast of a sailing ship in a force five gale. By the way, can you imagine Roosevelt giving the Fuhrer a neckrub? Well, actually, I guess Neville Chamberlain kind of did that.

July 18, 2006

Homeland Security has determined Indiana has the most terrorist targets in America. Must have missed the memo where Al Qaeda announced its intention to destroy America’s wealth of dusty country roads.

July 17, 2006

Democratic Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman says if he loses the primary he’ll run as an Independent. And if he loses that, he’ll bark at the ankles of the winner like a terrier until election day.

July 16, 2006

Tom DeLay has crawled out from under the rock he’s been hiding for the last couple of months apparently prematurely completing all those important pieces of personal business he needed to attend to, like the filing the of scuff marks off his cloven hooves, so he’s refreshed and ready to jump back into electoral politics. Whether he wants to or not. Inflicted with a tertiary case of the Michael Corleones: every time he tries to get out, they pull him back in. And if the “they” in question have a lick of common sense, they’re wearing sterile gloves while they’re doing it.

July 14, 2006

Although, back on tour, Keith Richards refuses to explain what he was doing in the tree he fell out of. A new entry for the Oxymoron Hall of Fame: The Keith Richards Tree Climbing Manual.

July 13, 2006

Tom DeLay re-running for his seat is considered easier than Republicans mounting a write-in campaign for his seat. Because teaching the constituents of Texas 22 to write would be harder than untying a centipedes shoes with oven mitts.

July 12, 2006

A Republican Congressional candidate in Utah blamed his primary defeat on the devil. Tom DeLay declined comment.

July 11, 2006

They say one can never be too rich or too thin. Paris Hilton must be the exception that proves the rule.

July 6, 2006

In defense of his secret spying tactics, President Bush claims to have special powers. Apparently, he’s recently been bitten by a radioactive spider.

July 5, 2006

Because of the World Cup, some German cities are suffering a beer shortage, which is like the District of Colombia experiencing a wave of hubris.

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June 29, 2006

Warren Buffet has decided to give 85% of his money to … Bill Gates. The one guy in the world richer than him. He had a 6 billion to 1 shot at giving it to a poorer person and he blew it.

June 28, 2006

According to Tony Snow, the reason Norm Minetta has left his Cabinet post of Transportation Secretary is because “he wants to.” That’s the kind of insight you expect from a Bush Administration spokesperson.

June 23, 2006

Congress received another pay raise without having to vote for it. Now we have to worry about them even when they’re not doing anything.

June 22, 2006

Crime has jumped to its highest level since 1993. The last time a Bush was in the White House. Coincidence? I think not.

June 21, 2006

Since the Republicans have taken over Congress, they’ve given themselves 5 pay raises yet failed to raise the minimum wage once. Think there’s a connection?

June 20, 2006

All these years I’ve wanted to play golf like Tiger Woods, and now the sad part is, I can.

June 14, 2006

Bush made a surprise visit to Baghdad this week. Five hours, then he turned around and came home. Probably just went over to pick up some cheap gas.

June 13, 2006

Hardliners keep asking, “Why do you think they call them illegal aliens?” I’m guessing because “desperately poor people enticed to cross a desert border by large greedy corporations trying to depress the wages of an entire industry” takes too long to say.

June 12, 2006

Abu Musab Al Zarqawi was taken out with two five hundred pound laser guided bombs and yet his body was intact and his face still recognizable. This guy either has incredible genes or he was wearing a heck of a lot of make up.

June 9, 2006

Investigators said they discovered terrorists were poised to bomb certain sites in Canada. Action was only taken when it became apparent the beer supply was threatened.

June 8, 2006

Bill Frist still wants to amend the Constitution to ban gay marriages. I thought the whole idea was to keep gays from having sex. What better way than marriage do you know…?

June 6, 2006

Senator Bill Frist is introducing a bill that would amend the Constitution to ban gay marriage. Then he's going to introduce a bill to demand that all television sets go back to broadcasting in black and white.

June 5, 2006

Congressman Patrick Kennedy has checked out of rehab but still faces a charge of aggravated driving while being a Kennedy.

June 2, 2006

GM announced that any Hummer H2 purchased by July 5 will receive a rebate for the cost of every gallon of gas exceeding $1.99 for a year. The three and a half ton vehicle averages only 9 mpg, so think of all the money you’ll save. Plus, imagine how patriotic it is: Every time you fill up your car, you're financing both sides of this war.

June 1, 2006

The European High Court threw out an agreement with the US to furnish personal details about transcontinental airline passengers. Wait till the FBI raids their offices.

May 31, 2006

Frustrated members of the Iraqi Parliament are encouraging the U.S. to form a new government.

May 30, 2006

Press Secretary Tony Snow announced Treasury Secretary John Snow will resign this week. Apparently, there’s only room for one Snow job in this administration.

May 26, 2006

Republicans are complaining about the FBI raiding Democrat William Jefferson’s Congressional office. Apparently they hold their privacy to be a bit more important than our privacy.

May 24, 2006

It's good to see Tony Snow adjust to his new job as spokesperson for the White House. His job now is to slant the news to support the president as opposed to his old job at Fox News. Which was to slant the news to support the President.

May 23, 2006

According to the New York Observer, Hillary Clinton has a secret plan to end the war in Iraq. Wonder if she got it from Henry Kissinger?

May 19, 2006

Bush's conservative base does not like the idea of letting illegal aliens stay without suffering some sort of penalty. A fine is fine, but there is a large portion of the right that wants to see raised welts. Some sort of Biblical retribution. A big long line of Mexicans bent over with their pants down by their ankles and Senator Doctor Reverend Indian Chief Bill Frist holding up a big wooden paddle to the cameras.

May 18, 2006

As a result of his tax cut bill, George Bush just gave every millionaire in America a new Lexus. I think I owe the government a used 74 Pinto.

May 17, 2006

George Bush has proposed adding 6,000 border agents to protect us from illegal aliens. Easier than having everyone move into gated communities, I suppose.

May 12, 2006

President George Bush called four- star General Michael Hayden “the right man to lead the CIA at this critical moment in our nation’s history.” Let’s hope Hayden isn’t too much of a student of history. Otherwise, he might read the President’s statement about Porter Goss, the man whose position he is filling, when Goss was appointed to head the CIA, 18 months ago. “He’s the right man to lead the CIA at this critical moment in our nation’s history.”

President Bush said this week, “We have the terrorists on the run.” What he failed to mention was they were headed towards us.

May 11, 2006

Donald Rumsfeld says, “There is no power play taking place in Washington.” I think the trick language there was his use of the present tense.

May 10, 2006

In an 18- page letter, Iranian President Ahmadinejad encouraged George Bush to forsake secular democracy and turn towards religion. Apparently he hasn’t been getting Karl Rove’s memos.

May 9, 2006

Zacarias Moussaoui received life in prison without parole for knowing about 911 but not doing enough to prevent it. Wonder what Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld are going to get?

May 8, 2006

Bush doesn’t understand why the poor don’t seek education to get a better job. Rich guys never realize how much time being poor actually takes up.

May 5, 2006

The President says “there’s no magic wands.” No kidding. Neither are there talking fish or fairy wings or giant toadstools upon which Donald Rumsfeld can perch naked eating flies with his bifurcated tongue.

May 4, 2006

On gas prices, Bush is not here to help. All the rich people he knows, his father knows and Dick Cheney knows have 30 weight running through their veins.

May 3, 2006

Keith Richards hurt himself falling out of a palm tree proving how important it is to be careful where one stashes one’s drugs.

May 2, 2006

George Bush says we’ve turned the corner in Iraq. Yeah, we turned the corner and found a sixteen car pileup blocking all six lanes of the freeway.