July 31, 2008

John McCain recently gave a speech in San Francisco, which is an awful lot like a cobra crashing a mongoose convention.

July 30, 2008

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was indicted on 7 felony counts of bribery. You know how a bribe is different than a campaign contribution? A campaign contribution has six syllables. A bribe only has one.

July 29, 2008

Iran executed 29 people in one day. Apparently, they gave up the electric chair for electric bleachers.

July 28, 2008

President Bush complained that Wall Street got drunk and now has a hangover. Pretty condescending talk from the guy who acted as bartender.

July 25, 2008

Every Olympics the host nation gets to include their own sport. Wonder what the Chinese are going to do: barbed wire hurdles? The dissident toss? Starving Doberman re-education pit jump?

July 24, 2008

Barack Hussein is addressing his foreign policy bona fides. And John McCain is addressing his reversal of the cruel hand of time bona fides.

July 23, 2008

I don’t think John McCain is flip flopping so much as just forgetting what his previous positions were.

July 21, 2008

President Bush has agreed to a time horizon which is different from a timetable the same way that vertically falling moisture is different than rain.

July 18, 2008

The New Yorker Magazine cover is just another example what happens when liberals try to help.

July 17, 2008

After being plagued by a rash of early season fires, Northern California is now threatened with mudslides. Might have to replace the nickname "Golden State" with "Satan’s Drive-by."

July 15, 2008

President Bush has pledged to do whatever he can to help John McCain win the White House. Which I assume means a lot more overseas trips.

July 12, 2008

Republicans are ratcheting up the Barack Obama attack machine. I imagine next they’ll say that being half black and half white is another example of his flip-flopping.

July 11, 2008

George Bush is like a stripper with hairy legs. He may have some really smooth moves, but even way back at the bar, you can tell something is horribly awry.

July 10, 2008

Jesse Jackson apologized for saying he wants to cut off Barack Obama’s gonads. I’m trying to figure out which sin he committed: anger or envy.

July 8, 2008

The second patron to attend opening day at the Madame Tussauds’ Wax Museum in Berlin ripped the head off an Adolf Hitler wax figure. Probably lowering the chances of any George Bush exhibit soon.

July 7, 2008

George Bush says he won’t boycott the Beijing Olympics because that would offend the Chinese people. Our opposition to brutal dictatorships seems to have a direct relationship to how much of our oil is under their ground.

July 4, 2008

Spending the 4th of July in Milwaukee. Where they know how to celebrate Independence Day. “Let’s drink a lot of beer and handle explosives.” Lot of guys named Lefty in Wisconsin. And Patch.

July 3, 2008

Somebody is suing to legally carry concealed weapons in Atlanta’s Hartsfield Airport. Who puts the “t” in gun nut? Georgia does.

July 2, 2008

John McCain is headed for Colombia. Going straight to the source. Smart. Goes a long way to explain how he stays so energetic.

July 1, 2008

President Bush still clings to his claim that the economy is doing well. “It’s a good time to buy a house.” Yeah, and an airline. And Circuit City.

June 30, 2008

After the Supreme Court reaffirmed US citizens’ right to possess firearms, Dick Cheney celebrated by pulling a handgun from his desk drawer and shooting two pigeons and a reporter.

June 27, 2008

Latest polls show Barack Obama leading John McCain by 15 points. The last time Democrats had this kind of a lead was John Kerry over George Bush 4 whole years ago. Oh.

June 26, 2008

Don Imus was accused of another racial slur the other day. Two more and he gets free sheets.

June 25, 2008

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio revoked Shaquille O’Neal’s deputy’s badge due to remarks made about Kobe Bryant’s inability to win an NBA title without him. Apparently, in Arizona, the truth is an actionable offense.

June 24, 2008

Barack Obama turned down federal election funding to neutralize John McCain’s unfair advantage in the ad war: the senior discount.

June 23, 2008

President Bush continues to insist that America does not torture. Which probably means he didn’t go see “Get Smart” this weekend.

June 20, 2008

Senator McCain said we’d be in Iraq for 100 years. He didn’t mean fighting. He meant a base. Like Guantanamo, in Cuba. A result of the Spanish American War. And we should trust his familiarity with the process, since he was there.

June 19, 2008

President Bush wants to end various state bans on offshore oil drilling. Well, there’s new news. Next thing you know, he’ll tell us invading Iraq was a good idea.

June 18, 2008

Midwestern towns continue to be ravaged by floodwaters. But FEMA is on the job. They’re probably sending ice.

June 17, 2008

60% of Europeans believe American foreign policy will get better after George Bush leaves office. About 39% less than what Americans believe.

June 16, 2008

Gays will be allowed to marry in California this week, and some of the biggest
celebrations will be going on in the offices of California divorce lawyers.

June 13, 2008

Another 8 months of Bush’s economic policy and Mexico might have to build a wall to keep us from streaming down there.

June 12, 2008

President Bush is traveling in Europe talking up the dollar. What’s his sales pitch? “The good thing is you can get a whole bunch of them for almost nothing.”

June 9, 2008

The longer the campaign goes on, the more John McCain looks like Yoda with a tie.

June 8, 2008

Experts agree Hillary Clinton gave the best speech of her life bowing out of the race for the Presidency. Good timing.

June 7, 2008

Even though the two get along like a cobra and a mongoose, Mr. McCain is really broke and needs to suck at George Bush’s silicone enhanced money tit, but isn’t all that anxious to have a record of it. Typical case of needing the cash, but not the photo- op. Stuck between a despised lunkhead and a barren bank account.

June 6, 2008

The good thing about John McCain’s campaign is knowing that when history starts repeating itself, he will be the first to know.

June 5, 2008

Senator McCain accused Senator Obama of having a foolish willingness to sit down and talk with enemies. Was McCain referring to the rumor that Obama has scheduled lunch with Hillary Clinton?

June 4, 2008

Hillary Clinton is like one of those Japanese soldiers who emerged from a cave 20 years later not knowing that WW II is over.

June 3, 2008

In his new book, “What Happened,” Scott McClellan claims President Bush couldn’t remember if he had ever used cocaine. Wow. You got to be really high not to remember snorting cocaine.

June 2, 2008

Hillary Clinton won the primary in Puerto Rico by a 2 to 1 margin. Which doesn’t make her any more viable as the Democratic nominee but does get her 2 for 1 Margaritas at Carlos Murphy’s

May 30, 2008

John McCain held a fundraiser with President Bush at a private home in Phoenix, but the media was banned. Guess he's a bit reluctant to have the public see him in fishnets and heels.
May 29, 2008

Senator Hillary Clinton ignores calls for her to quit the primary race, as she continues to try and differentiate herself from her main adversary. But no matter where she goes, there Bill is.

May 28, 2008

In his new book, former Bush Press Secretary Scott McClellan says he was left out in the dark. You know what, Scott? Us, too. But you were standing next to the light switch.

May 26, 2008

In their never- ending quest to add revenue, Airlines started charging for any checked bag. Won't be long before we see coin-operated bathrooms. Then, seat belts priced by the inch.

May 24, 2008

Even though the dogged Hillary Clinton is being encouraged by friend and foe and pundit alike to drop out of the Democratic Presidential Primary, there is a contingent that thinks her best move is to dig in her heels and bite the hand off of anyone who tries to restrain her. Admittedly, that contingent is mostly made up of me and a couple other guys in the editorial cartoonist world. But seriously, what the hell, she’s come this far. Who quits within sight of the finishing line of a marathon? It’s like climbing 890 steps of the Washington Monument, then turning around and going back down after the gun sounds. No. Walk the final three.

May 23, 2008

And now the nation turns its eyes to those two perennial primary stalwarts, North Dakota and Montana, or as Paris Hilton crowd calls them, “Spa Hell.”

May 22, 2008

Barack Obama does much better with people who think that domestic beers are too hoppy and lack finish.

May 21, 2008

I’m trying to figure out Clinton's pitch: that she does better with stupid white people, which cuts into the Republican base?

May 20, 2008

No truth to the rumor that while campaigning as a real working person in Kentucky, Hillary Clinton started a fight with a broken beer bottle.

May 17, 2008

Mr. Obama seems to have gotten real good real quick. This week, in less than twelve
hours, he managed to turn a debilitating loss into a triumphal moment of celebration complete with two males holding hands in a non- California or Massachusetts way.

May 15, 2008

John McCain is refocusing his message to seniors. Not simply saying what they want to hear, but also saying it much louder.

May 14, 2008

Travis Childers, the Democrat who won Mississippi’s special Congressional election, is both pro gun rights and anti abortion. I guess that is what’s known as a Cheney Democrat.

May 13, 2008

U.S. tax payers started receiving their economic stimulus checks. Free money. In an election year. I’m not sure, but I think they’re trying to bribe us with OUR money. Can they do that?

May 12, 2008

Hillary Clinton still has a chance. The same chance Myanmar junta leader Senior General Than Shwe has of winning the Nobel Peace Prize. But a chance nonetheless.

May 9, 2008

I’m not saying Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s historic presidential run is toast. Finished. Down the drain. Caput. Washed up. History. A memory. In the archives. Defunct. Extinct. Artifacto. Took a hike. Sleeping with the fishes. Part of the vast past tense. Joined the choir invisible. Totally obliterated. Entering Sidekick City. Sheer finito. Thoroughly through. Down goes Frasier. Swept away by the Tahiti Express. See ya: Wouldn’t want to be ya. So long and sayonara sweetheart. Became an ex- presidential run. Experiencing fossilization. Stick a fork in her- she’s done. Game over, man. Say bye.

No. No. No. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that it’s down to the wire but that wire is starting to unravel. She’s hanging by a thread, down to her last dime and the wheels are coming off. It's two outs, two strikes, nobody on, bottom of the ninth and she’s behind by about 142. Got her back up against the wall because an elephant is standing on the couch with the remote. Its closing time: and she don’t have to go home but she can’t stay here. The window of opportunity has slammed shut on her fingers while hanging outside onto the sill 12 stories up. Her time clock has been punched by a mob of boxing kangaroos. Half of her team is handing her a white flag to wave and the other half is throwing in a towel on her behalf.

She’s down to the last banana in the bunch and even though that one is pretty bruised up, the tarantulas won’t let her go there anyway. She’s going down for the umpteenth time in high seas. The 2- minute warning was a minute fifty ago and its 4th and 97. The undertaker is walking this way pulling out a tape measure while whistling to the jingling of the nails in his pocket. The horse she rode in on can smell its stall and is starting to gallop. The fat lady has adjusted her horn helmet and is reaching for the throat spray. Could that be the referee looking at his watch with the whistle in his mouth and he’s starting to pucker? Why yes, it could. Not to mention the train has pulled out of the station and the conductor is waving a lantern from the railing of the caboose.

They say that anything can happen, and it can, except for what the Junior Senator from New York needs to have happen, and that, my friends, simply can’t happen. Or could it? A week is a year in politics. The moon could fall out of the sky. Pigs could sprout wings and fly to Mars. Jeremiah Wright could have another attack of the talkies. Who knows? Bill could rustle up the Arkansas Calvary to ride to her rescue. Look. Up in the sky. It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s a flock of Superdelegates. Is that a light at the end of the tunnel? Unh, no, sorry. Its Obama with a flashlight directing her to the shoulder and he’s repo- ing the Clinton bandwagon. The math just doesn’t work. We’ve moved from the eminently possible to the minorly theoretical. Unless, that is; something really really odd happens. Which it very well could. At any moment. But then again, probably not. Oh yeah. It’s over.

May 8, 2008

Democrats always get tagged with being elitist: a euphemism for someone who thinks too much. An accusation George Bush was never required to defend.

May 7, 2008

One Democrat has been damaged by an out of control blowhard, who thinks he’s part of the campaign and doesn’t know when to shut up. And Obama is having problems with Reverend Wright as well.

May 6, 2008

Can’t wait to get my tax rebate. Still haven’t decided if I’m going to blow it on a tank of gas or a bag of rice. Will probably flip a coin. If I can borrow one.

May 5, 2008

President George Bush recently appeared on NBC’s “Deal or No Deal.” Well, there’s your problem. What we need is a president who appears on “Jeopardy,” and wins.

May 2, 2008

Reverend Jeremiah Wright says he was just trying to help Barack Obama. With help like this, Barack doesn’t need enemies introducing flesh eating bore worms into his cerebellum.

May 1, 2008

President Bush blames Congress for the state of the US economy. That's like a single-stage sewage treatment plant blaming an overripe scallion for stinking up the
joint.