March 31, 2006

I’m not saying the GM plan for downsizing is far reaching, but I think they just fired me. And I don’t even work for them.

March 30, 2006

Here’s what I want to know: How exactly do we propose to build a 2,000-mile long, fourteen-foot-high fence along the Mexican border without using Mexican labor? Are they going to draft housewives from La Jolla?

March 29, 2006

No truth to the rumor that George Bush plans to combat the Avian Flu by invading Aviaria.

March 28, 2006

George Bush isn’t all that worried about the internal strife in Iraq. At least both parties promise to keep it civil.

March 27, 2006

A national slavery museum is being planned for Virginia. And if there were any poetic justice, it would be sponsored by Wal-Mart.

March 24, 2006

The NCAA tournament may be capturing the attention of offices all over America, but because of outsourcing, it won’t affect tech assist and other call centers.

March 23, 2006

To say Bush was a bit testy at his Tuesday press conference is like saying gravel is not as nutritious as it looks. He also proceeded to duck questions asked of him and to answer unasked questions his handlers had prepared him for and overall had the look of a guy who was trying to fake his way through not having done his homework…for the last thirteen semesters.

March 22, 2006

Osama bin Laden says the US won’t take him alive. If I were him, I’d hide somewhere lacking US federal presence. Might want to try New Orleans’ 9th Ward.

March 21, 2006

Vice President Cheney says there is no civil war in Iraq and that the violence is directed towards us. Wow, talk about good news, bad news.

March 20, 2006

President Bush’s strategy for victory in Iraq sounds suspiciously like Richard Nixon’s secret plan for victory in Vietnam. Now if only their Presidencies end the same way.

March 17, 2006

St. Patrick’s Day is famous for pub crawling from noon till closing time. Or, as Ted Kennedy refers to it, Friday.

March 16, 2006

President Bush wants to shut down the Meals for Wheels program for the elderly. Must be part of his Trim Seniors initiative.

Ex Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham has been sentenced to 8 years for accepting bribes. Where he will inevitably involve himself in research on same sex marriages.

March 15, 2006

At least the NSA domestic spying program gave Bush a heads up on how low his approval rating is headed.

March 14, 2006

Sami Yusuf is a 27-year-old Islamic singing star who calls on women to be submissive. Sounds like a successful hip hop career lies ahead of him.

March 13, 2006

The good news is Arabs won’t be running our ports. The bad news is, the guys in charge of FEMA will be.

March 10, 2006

President Musharraf of Pakistan spoke of new democratic rights for women. Which means what: they can now wear burkas with zippers?

March 9, 2006

Hindu priests who look after the memorial of Mahatma Gandhi had to conduct a purification ceremony after a visit from President Bush. They claim it wasn’t his fault but rather the sniffer dogs who accompany him, but we all know how polite the Indian people are.

March 8, 2006

Hope President Bush had fun in India. Visiting our old jobs.

March 7, 2006

A survey of our troops in Iraq says 70% of them support a pullout within a year. Don’t these guys realize that when they say stuff like this it endangers our troops?

March 6, 2006

When in Pakistan, George Bush played cricket with a tennis ball. Sounds about right for a guy famed for playing politics with god.

March 1, 2006

Easiest way to tick off an SUV driver is to say, “Hey, nice mini- van.”