Daily Dose of Durst, February 2006

February 28, 2006

Don’t mean any disrespect, but if the Democratic Party were a horse, we’d shoot it.

February 27, 2006

It looks like George Bush’s budget was a result of faith based math. Meaning that 2 + 2 is whatever God wants it to be.

The Supreme Court isn’t expected to get rid of Roe vs. Wade, just impose a few conditions on it; like a 10-month waiting period.

February 24, 2006

Frequently Asked Questions About Vice President Cheney Shooting A Guy In The Face With A Gun. (cont.)

Q. If the lawyer happens to die because of the wounds inflicted by the VP, Cheney could be charged with involuntary manslaughter, right?

A. That’s true, but because it is Texas, we’re most likely looking at a ten dollar fine for shooting a lawyer out of season.

Q. Where’s the upside?

A. Our veterans win. The people who are most thankful that Cheney did receive 5 deferments to Vietnam are our troops, especially considering his penchant for shooting his own men.

Q. Any other ramifications?

A. Outside of George Bush noticeably wearing more Kevlar, no.

Q. Don’t you think its time for the liberals to lay off this and move on to more important affairs of state?

A. Point well taken. They should promise not to give Dick Cheney’s lack of moral judgement a single second more attention than was given to Bill Clinton’s.

February 23, 2006

Frequently Asked Questions About Vice President Cheney Shooting A Guy In The Face With A Gun.

Q: Harry Whittington, the man the Vice President accidentally shot, suffered a minor heart attack. What exactly is a minor heart attack?

A. Any one where the patient (who isn’t you) doesn’t die.

Q: Didn’t the official statement explain the 17 hour delay before anybody told anybody anything was because they wanted to make sure the statement released to the media was accurate?

A. He shot the guy. In the face. With a gun. How many more facts were needed? The barometric pressure at the time wasn’t all that necessary.

Q. Isn’t this event illustrative of why they invented the word “accident"?

A. This and the Bush Presidency, yes. Besides, who hasn’t mistaken a six foot lawyer wearing a blaze orange vest for a quail?

Q. How many pellets of bird shot did Mr. Whittington get hit with?

A. Doctors estimated between 5 and 200. Nice margin of error there. That’s 102 plus or minus 97.

Q. Didn’t Cheney call the day of the shooting “one of the worst days of my life?”

A. Yes, he did, although we’re pretty sure its not way up there on Whittington’s list either.

Q. Let’s straighten this out: did Cheney drink a beer at lunch or didn’t he drink a beer?

A. According to different reports: yes and no.

Q. Didn’t he also say “you never go hunting with someone who drinks”?

A. Apparently he’s never been deer hunting in Northern Wisconsin.

Q. Isn’t it true he retired to the Armstrong lodge and ate a “somber roast beef dinner”?

A. Still probably tastier than the hospital food Whittington got during an equally solemn pellet face picking.

Q. Why did the Vice President pick Fox News to give his interview to?

A. A simple desire for the interview to be fair and balanced. And to pay off Brit Hume on a Super Bowl bet.

Q. Who was to blame for the accident?

A. According to Mr. Cheney’s staff, Mr. Whittington foolishly planted his face between the gun and the bird.

Q.What are some of the more popular conspiracy theories attached to all this?

A. That Cheney was sending a message to the terrorists, and the message is: “Look what we do to our FRIENDS.”

Republicans are calling for President Bush to cancel the contract transfer for providing security at 6 American ports to an Arab company. I guess his Iraqi sales job, “All Arabs are bad,” was a bit too successful.

February 22, 2006

Bush says our modern behavior offends the terrorists’ moral teachings. But isn’t that his very argument against gay marriage? So doesn’t that mean George Bush hates San Francisco for its freedoms?

February 21, 2006

Some Islamic clerics are calling for a boycott of all Danish products. Which might call for a little research.

February 20, 2006

Dick Cheney said the day he shot Texas lawyer Harry Whittington was “one of the worst days of my life.” Don’t think its way up there on Whittington’s list either.

I'm thinking maybe rioting to protest being called a violent religion might be indicative of an irony free zone.

February 17, 2006

The Cheney hunting incident has given a title to an Administration that will go down in history as one of the worst ever: “The Gang That Couldn’t Shoot Straight.”

February 16, 2006

If the Austin lawyer he shot in the face dies from the inflicted wounds, Vice President Dick Cheney could be charged with involuntary manslaughter. Although in Texas, he’ll probably just be fined ten bucks for shooting a lawyer out of season.

February 15, 2006

It's odd having Democrats whine about Bush’s warrantless wiretaps: All they talked about before was how the President never listened to them.

February 14, 2006

We’ve got ourselves another Al Qaeda #2. Which makes what? Like 12 #2s so far. You know if I were Al Qaeda’s #3 guy, I might be declining that next promotion.

February 13, 2006

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a companion during a quail shoot on Saturday in Texas. Wonder if the President is going to start wearing Kevlar vests during joint appearances.

I don’t know why they call them the Senate Judiciary hearings, because I didn’t hear Attorney General Alberto Gonzales answer a single question.

February 10, 2006

Danish editorial cartoons intimating that Islam is a violent religion sparked worldwide protests during which buildings were set on fire and 8 people were killed. Perhaps a series of indignant letters to the editor might have better served the cause.

February 9, 2006

President Bush’s new budget proposes service cuts to Amtrak. My God, what’s left? Are they going to tear out the seats?

February 8, 2006

I think whenever a state legislature approves a concealed handgun bill, they should be forced to allow them in the Capitol building.

February 7, 2006

The President says he’s open to criticism as long as it’s responsible criticism, which pretty much means criticism that’s not critical in any way. I like that kind of criticism too. I think they're called compliments.

February 6, 2006

They’re talking about making it illegal to wear a t-shirt at State of the Union and you know what that means: when t- shirts are outlawed, only outlaws will own t- shirts.

February 3, 2006

President Bush says America is addicted to oil. Wow. Bush said that. Kind of like your drug dealer telling you: “Dude, you got to settle down!” Ronald McDonald: “No more Big Macs for you, tubby.”

February 2, 2006

During his State of the Union Address it only took George W Bush 3 minutes before he mentioned 911, which I believe sets a new personal best.

February 1, 2006

The first thing George Bush did in his State of the Union Address was salute Coretta Scott King. And I got to admit, I’m surprised … mostly that he didn’t burst into flames.

Scooter Libby’s 1996 novel, “The Apprentice,” is a bestseller on Amazon. His next work of fiction is expected to be his defense testimony.