September 26, 2008

Think I saw a touch of Jeri Curl in Obama’s hair. Middle America is probably afraid he’ll show up at the next debate with a comb parked in his fro and by the time he’s inaugurated, he’ll look like Linc from Mod Squad. “Solid.”

September 25, 2008

George Bush said “we’re working hard on economic turmoil.” Mission Accomplished.

September 24, 2008

One of John McCain’s advisors said the Senator helped invent the Blackberry. Not the smart phone. Real blackberries. He’s the Luther Burbank of politics.

September 23, 2008

John McCain vows to dismantle the Old Boy Network. Which should be doable, considering his current standing as Ranking Old Boy.

September 21, 2008

McCain's iron grip on what is generally regarded as reality slipped like the manual transmission on a Model T Ford with a faulty handbrake parked on a San Francisco hill facing up. He’s reverted to his pre-convention state of fumbling and foundering and flummoxing and falling into a fevered form of flabbergast. And it’s that nasty old economy that’s the piranha in his pants biting his big white furry butt. Again.

September 18, 2008

Casinos in Las Vegas have reported a 30% downturn in business. I guess people are losing too much money in other risky ventures like stocks and banks.

September 17, 2008

Courts in India are accepting EEG brain scans as lie detector evidence. Too bad we couldn’t use them. As a Presidential candidate screen. Might have kept us from the mess we’re in.

September 16, 2008

John McCain continues to push for more offshore drilling, which he apparently plans to use as a stop-gap measure until we determine which other countries to invade.

September 14, 2008

These new Republican rules are strict. First off, you can’t say anything negative about the candidate. “She was in favor of the Bridge to Nowhere before she was against it.” “Sexist pig.” “Being next to Russia gives her foreign policy experience the same way living next to McDonalds makes somebody an expert in FDA regulations.” “Chauvinist.” If you consider Republicans crying “sexist” a little like a hurricane calling a tornado erratic, you, my friends, are not alone.

September 10, 2008

Now Sarah Palin knows foreign policy because Alaska is next to Russia. You know, I used to live next to a McDonald’s, but that don’t make me an expert on FDA regulations.

September 9, 2008

Lot of talk about teenage pregnancy and what to do about it. You’re not ever going to get rid of it. Why? Because sex is fun. And free. At least few up front costs.

September 8, 2008

John McCain met Sarah Palin a total of once before he picked her to be his Vice President. When you apply for a job as a waiter, you have to go through three interviews. Of course, that job has responsibilities.

September 5, 2008

Sarah Palin certainly looks more comfortable holding a gun than the current Vice President.

September 4, 2008

Most New Orleanians don’t think of Bush showing up for the Gustav crisis, they think he’s just WAAAAAAAY late for Katrina.

September 3, 2008

She may not attract all disaffected Hillary Clinton supporters, but Alaska Governor Sarah Palin could bolster Republican voting rolls by attracting Inuit Indians and fans of the “Legally Blonde” movies in unprecedented numbers.

September 2, 2008

Sarah Palin calls herself a “hockey mom.” Which means we’re in good shape if the US ever needs to body check Russian President Medvedev.

September 1, 2008

On 60 Minutes on Sunday, Joe Biden said he used to be arrogant. Did you ever notice that people who think they used to be arrogant, never realize they still are?

August 27, 2008

Getting Democrats to follow a party line script is like trying to barbecue squid on a chain link fence. Major slippage is bound to occur.

August 26, 2008

John McCain forgot how many houses he has. Hey, the guy turns 72 on Friday. He’s probably unsure of how many fingers he has.

August 25, 2008

Political conventions are like Professional Wrestling. You already know what’s going to happen, but once every four years, its fun to watch.

August 22, 2008

Miller has launched Sparks Red, a citrus flavored malt drink with 8% alcohol and caffeine. For those of us who have searched the market in vain for a liquid speedball.

August 21, 2008

Former Democratic Vice Presidential candidate Joe Lieberman will be speaking at the Republican Convention. Filling the Benedict Arnold slot that Zev Miller vacated.

August 20, 2008

The McCain campaign accuses Obama of being a flip flopper who wants to raise taxes. Wow. Wonder how much that 04 playbook cost them.

August 19, 2008

Tropical Storm Fay canceled a McCain fundraiser in Florida. Wow, that can’t be a good omen… having the heavens aligned against you.

August 18, 2008

Those Jamaican sprinters are fast. Not quite as fast as Bill Clinton positioning himself in front of a camera, but fast.

August 15, 2008

John McCain’s campaign pretty much consists of the mantra “Drill here. Drill now.” Four syllables. Repeating the verb. I think he’s discovered the attention span of the average American voter.

August 14, 2008

The last two Democratic nominees for Vice President, Edwards and Lieberman, would be about as welcome at this year's Convention in Denver as a pair of rabid cave weasels at a pre-school picnic.

August 13, 2008

Barack Obama was so busy vacationing in Hawaii, all he had time for was a quick change of positions on off-shore drilling.

August 12, 2008

Well, we got bin Laden’s driver. Now, if we can only put away his barber and his cleaning lady, we’ll have him boxed in.

August 11, 2008

How’d you like to be the aide who had to inform the President that Russia invaded Georgia. “No, Atlanta is fine. Yes, the Braves are still playing.”

August 9, 2008

By now, if you are not in the early stages of tertiary overdose from cloyingly mawkish Up Close and Personal previews emanating out of that quadrennial athletic meet going down in Beijing, you should consider yourself as lucky as a John McCain handler at a canceled photo op in a grocery store. I swear that if I hear the word “dream” uttered one more time, somebody at NBC is going to have chopsticks sticking out of parts of their body that chopsticks don’t normally stick out of.

August 8, 2008

John McCain agreed with Barack Obama’s idea of keeping tires inflated for energy conservation after first mocking it. I’m sure his first instinct was more off shore drilling for air.

August 7, 2008

George Bush plans to give a speech critical of China. In Thailand. Before he goes to China. That is so George.

August 6, 2008

George Bush is scheduled to give a speech on the first day of the Republican Convention. My guess is it will be about 3 in the morning with his only audience being the cleaning crew.

August 5, 2008

Pentagon officials claim Al- Qaeda’s #2 guy has been killed. Again. What is that: like the 16th time we’ve taken out their #2 guy? You know who I’d hate to be? Al-Qaeda’s #3 guy.

August 4, 2008

John McCain attacked Barack Obama by linking him to Paris Hilton and Britney Spears. Obama should reciprocate by linking McCain to Regis Philbin and Angela Lansbury.

August 1, 2008

I've been out in Nantucket, which is the world's largest gated community. The guy I feel sorry for here is the postman on the day the J. Crew catalogue comes out.