Daily Dose of Durst, April 2008

Will Durst's comments and joke on the events of April 2008...

April 25, 2008

Order another bag of peanuts, pass the cotton candy and get used to the smell of sawdust, because the circus tour has been extended. Yes, my friends, welcome to the primary that will not die.

Hillary Clinton didn’t win Pennsylvania, she survived. Long enough for another attempt to nail that elusive quadruple on the flying trapeze. But the net is gone and the clock is ticking. The Junior Senator from New York may have bested the Junior Senator from Illinois by nearly ten percentage points but at the rate she cut into his delegate lead, she’s on pace to overtake him sometime during the middle of his second term.

To the elders of the Democratic Party, this is Worst- Case Scenario City: harmless carnival attraction twists into a grisly horror movie in the middle of the final reel. The political variation of Saw V. Two people. Locked inside of a single country. Each with a
war chest of souped up power tools. And this time, the electricity is on.

April 24, 2008

Hillary Clinton didn’t win Pennsylvania, she survived. Like a coyote caught in the trap of time. The toughest part is, she’s running out of limbs.

April 23, 2008

Senator Clinton may have won the Pennsylvania primary by 10%, but she only cut Barack Obama’s delegate lead by 6. If she keeps closing at this rate, she should overtake him sometime during the middle of his second term

April 22, 2008

Earth Day. Brought to you by Dow Chemical. Without whom this event would neither be possible, nor necessary.

April 21, 2008

The Midwest suffered a 5.2 magnitude earthquake. In order to maintain the integrity of geographic balance, California should reciprocate with a state-wide covered dish Church Social.

April 19, 2008

I think it's time you and I had us a talk about President Whatshisname. Because I’m not sure anybody’s noticed, but he seems to have disappeared lately. Overseas I think. And met up with this other guy who could have been Russian and who may or may not be leaving his job soon, just like our guy and the two of them together were as useless as a Powerpoint presentation on Viagra at a Eunuchs' convention. Lame duck doesn’t even come close here. A meeting of clipped winged hawks with 20 pound weights tied to their talons. A comatose vulture summit. Crippled geese. Biologically deformed Pterodactyl fossils encased in the amber pool of irrelevence, obsolescence and guilt. Whoa. OK. I’m done.

April 17, 2008

Now they’re calling Barack Obama an elitist. Which must mean photos of him wind- surfing will surface soon.

April 16, 2008

On Sunday, the Pope will hold mass at Yankee Stadium. Should be exciting to see him to throw out the first Commandment.

April 15, 2008

Aaah. Tax day. I’m always tempted to send two hammers and a couple bags of screws, tell the IRS to forward them to the Pentagon and suggest we call it even.

April 14, 2008

Senator Clinton accused Senator Obama of calling Pennsylvania workers bitter. Let me repeat that. Hillary accused Barack of promoting bitterness. You can't make stuff up like this.

April 11, 2008

President Bush remains upbeat about the economy. Got to love that. “Upbeat.” It's a much nicer word than “clueless.”

April 10, 2008

In San Francisco, they protested the running of the Olympic Torch. Of course, in San Francisco, they would protest the coming of the dawn if they weren’t afraid of offending the rooster union.

April 9, 2008

Now the Michigan Governor’s husband has been caught with a prostitute. There’s something about politics and sex that go together like sparklers and gasoline.

April 8, 2008

During a campaign swing through Altoona, Barack Obama bowled a 37. I don’t know about Pennsylvania, but he just lost Wisconsin.

April 7, 2008

Hillary Clinton is this close to becoming a stalker.

April 6, 2008

The Democrats have only themselves to blame for getting locked into this steel cage death match of theirs. Due to an inability to stifle an insatiable urge to comfort and coddle. They rewrote the rules to make sure nobody accidentally gets their feelings hurt. Because every one of us is special. You win a state, you get SOME of the delegates. And if you come in second, you get some too. Third? You bet. Have a couple delegates. Take one of the short ones. Fourth. Fifth. Sure, what the hell. And counseling is available. Everybody’s a winner here. Because this isn’t about electing a President, this is about sharing and caring and nurturing. Nobody goes away feeling like a loser in the Democratic Party. Except during the general election, that is.

April 4, 2008

Barack Obama is resisting calls to pick Hillary as his running mate. If he did, he’d be best advised to employ a full time food tester.

April 3, 2008

John McCain appeared on the David Letterman Show and told some jokes taking a lead in the talent portion of this contest. Which is good, since he’s not expected to do so well in the swimsuit competition.

April 2, 2008

I’m not afraid John McCain is going to push the button, I’m worried he’s going to nod out and fall on it.

April 1, 2008

While retracting her Bosnian hostile fire claims, Hillary Clinton said “Occasionally I’m a human being.” Occasionally? There she goes exaggerating again.