Daily Dose of Durst, April 2006

April 28, 2006

Iran is being run by a religious fanatic who sees enemies all around him. Wonder if he has a brother named Jeb?

April 27, 2006

The White House doesn't seem to be spending too much time seeking out gouging by the oil companies. Must be too busy figuring out who's the next CIA agent they're going to discredit.

April 26, 2006

"if we find any price gouging, it will be dealt with firmly." I’m thinking his definition of the word “firmly” has something to do with tax incentives.

April 25, 2006

In the new Bush White House, reportedly nobody’s position is safe, which means even the twins are worried about being supplanted by a couple of good Mormon girls.

April 24, 2006

In Bush’s long awaited second-term midseason staff purge-athon, even Karl Rove has seen his role diminished. That’s right. Bush’s brain has been laid off. And yes, that is redundant.

April 21, 2006

Speaking of Iraq, Bush said “failure is not an option.” So I guess it comes factory installed.

April 20, 2006

Scott McClellan has given up his position as press secretary. I guess he wants to spend more time lying to his family.

April 18, 2006

Donald Rumsfeld doesn’t know the meaning of the word “quit.” Unfortunately he doesn’t know the meaning of the words “preparation” or “groundwork” or “readiness,” either.

April 17, 2006

It's tax day. The day we part with our hard earned money and hand it over to the government. Perfectly good money that could be used to buy beer. Taxes: you can’t live with them, you can’t pass the costs onto the little guy unless you’re a major corporation with a minimum of three $300,000 a year lobbyists on the payroll.

April 14, 2006

A new report says things are worse than we thought in Iraq. And considering how bad I already thought they were, that can’t be good.

April 13, 2006

Of course we have plans to invade Iran. We’re America, that’s what we do. We make plans. We know we have plans to invade West Virginia. And they should be acted upon.

April 12, 2006

According to President Bush, we have no plans to invade Iran. So if I were Iran, I’d dig a bunker near hell. Because the last time he said we had no plans to invade anybody, we invaded the crap out of them.

Tom DeLay is retiring from Congress. Probably needs all the extra private time to spend filing his cloven hooves.

April 11, 2006

A new study has determined that prayer does not affect the healing process. So the President needs to come up with a new health care plan.

April 10, 2006

Doubts are being raised about whether the information Scooter Libby leaked under Presidential orders was accurate. So would that be called a disleak or a misleak or an unleak?

April 7, 2006

Sacramento has called for California to reduce carbon dioxide emissions by 25% by 2020. Cutting down on the days the legislature is in session could help.

April 6, 2006

Tom DeLay is retiring from his Congressional seat. So now he has more time to spend on his favorite hobby: character assassination.

April 5, 2006

Honolulu experienced their first day of sun after 40 consecutive days of rain. Just as home supply stores were about to stock rulers measured in cubits.

April 4, 2006

The House this week is scheduled to debate the budget for 2007, which projects an additional $3 trillion dollars in debt over the next five years. Looks like our best chance of balancing the budget is to win the lottery.

April 3, 2006

John Dean testified as part of Russ Feingold’s censure hearing and said, “Sometimes you need to hear from the dark side.” But Dick Cheney never showed up.