By Contributor on October 23, 2013

By Ian Murphy

After being thoroughly punked by a modest genius posing as libertarian billionaire and tea party sugar-daddy David Koch, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker falls to his knees and prays.

Walker: Lord Jesus, are you there?

Jesus: Yes. What is it this time? Kinda busy, man.

Walker: I got prank called by some big meanie! I feel like such an idiot!

Jesus: I don't know what you want me to do about it. And let's face it, Scott, you've never been the sharpest nail in the crucifix.

Walker: But I need your strength to get through this trauma, O Lord!

Jesus: So...let me get this straight. You don't care about the poor or the sick, your policies are basically geared to benefit the wealthy, and you need me—the guy who said a rich man has a better chance of entering the kingdom of heaven than a camel has of passing through the eye of a needle—to get you through an embarrassing time in your life? Is that right?

Walker: Yes, Lord. This has been one of the toughest days.

Jesus: Seriously? You've never lost anyone you care about? Grandparents, relatives, friends?! A girl never broke your heart? Dead pet even?! This is one of your 'toughest days'? Come on, dude. I was crucified for YOUR sins (thanks, dad!), died in agonizing pain, and now I have chumps like you basically missing the entire point of my spiritual philosophy...*sigh*...

Walker: Um, Jesus?

Jesus: Yeah, I'm—I gotta go. Turning the other cheek has its limits, bra. Don't call here again.

*click*

Or so I imagine.

Walker has a new book coming out soon called Unintimidated: A Governor's Story and a Nation's Challenge—a purported tell-all which really isn't, a likely ideological springboard, an advert for higher office. I haven't read it. But the AP's Scott Bauer got his hands on an advance copy.

.@GovWalker says in book his faith in god helped him overcome mistake of taking prank call from fake David Koch

— Scott Bauer (@sbauerAP) October 18, 2013

 

.@GovWalker says taking phone call from fake David Koch during union fight was "one of my toughest days. I felt like an idiot." — Scott Bauer (@sbauerAP) October 18, 2013

 

Seems to be the sort of union-bashing, dishonest disaster capitalism bilge we've all come to expect from Walker. But it was rather surprising to read in Bauer's tweets that Walker needed God's strength to overcome my villainy. Of course, God (more than) probably doesn't exist, and this is just more religious pandering from Walker, the son of a preacher. But I have to admit I feel pretty damn evil right now.

OK, kids. Sorry for the short gloat, but I gotta go. I have a meeting with my boss Satan, Prince of Darkness Ruth Conniff, editor-in-chief of The Progressive.

------

Photo: Flickr user Donkey Hotey, creative commons licensed.

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By Wendell Berry

Manifesto: The Mad Farmer Liberation Front

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more 
of everything ready made. Be afraid 
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery 
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card 
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something 
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know. 
So, friends, every day do something
that won’t compute. Love the Lord. 
Love the world. Work for nothing. 
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it. 
Denounce the government and embrace 
the flag. Hope to live in that free 
republic for which it stands. 
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man 
has not encountered he has not destroyed.
Ask the questions that have no answers. 
Invest in the millennium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.


Say that the leaves are harvested 
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.
Put your faith in the two inches of humus 
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion—put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come. 
Expect the end of the world. Laugh. 
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts. 
So long as women do not go cheap 
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy 
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep 
of a woman near to giving birth? 
Go with your love to the fields.
Lie easy in the shade. Rest your head 
in her lap. Swear allegiance 
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos 
can predict the motions of your mind, 
lose it. Leave it as a sign 
to mark the false trail, the way 
you didn’t go. Be like the fox 
who makes more tracks than necessary, 
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

Wendell Berry is a poet, farmer, and environmentalist in Kentucky. This poem, first published in 1973, is reprinted by permission of the author and appears in his “New Collected Poems” (Counterpoint).

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