WILL DUR$T’$ 2009 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T.

For Tiger Woods. A marriage mulligan.

For Hall & Oates. Another 500 or so casinos in Las Vegas so Cirque du Soleil finally gets around to doing a show based on them.

For Barack Obama. A reset switch for his Presidency.

For Joe Biden. Since his foot spends so much time in his mouth, mint-flavored shoelaces.

For Sarah Palin’s Publisher. More best sellers targeted to people who don’t read. Maybe an “audio book for the deaf” division. Cookbooks for Supermodels.

For the US Economy. A bit more stimulus to goose that whole stimulus thing into action.

For Mitt Romney and the Rest of the Republican National Committee Looking at 2012. Something else on Sarah. Then again, maybe the Mayans were right.

For the Democrats in Congress. A year’s supply of whole milk to put a little calcium into their spine.

For Granny. Someone to ask if maybe she might not like her plug to be pulled.

For Glenn Beck. A one way ticket on the clue train.

For South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford. See Tiger Woods.

For Joe Lieberman. A diamond studded collar to befit his position as GOP lap dog.

The State of Texas. A time out, so they stop executing people with IQs of 62. And stop electing them governor as well.