“The key to success is not how many people we put in, but how many we keep from coming back."
Note: No tuxes have been bruised in the creation of these awards.
BEST COSTUME: Rick Santorum for that winning period look- subtly harkening back to a young Mr. Rogers with rabies.
BAD TIMING AWARD: Tim Pawlenty, for deserting the Presidential line- up before getting his own shot at leading the pack. Runner- Up. Mitch Daniels.
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: Herman Cain, for continuing to blame the media for finding his fan full of feces.
THE DUMBER THAN HE ALREADY LOOKS AWARD: In an extremely competitive field, Rick Perry.
THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: For the 6th consecutive year, Donald Trump.
THE CLAUDE RAINES INVISIBLE MAN AWARD: George W. Bush.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: In a thankless role, Calista Gingrich.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: Industrial Light & Magic for making Mitt Romney appear so lifelike.
BEST MAKE UP: Newt Gingrich for his very convincing Walking Dead grimace.
BEST CHOREOGRAPHY: Grover Norquist.
THE “OH MY GOD, NOT YOU AGAIN” AWARD: Whoever decided contraception made for a good election-year wedge issue.
BEST BOY: Marcus Bachmann.
BEST ANIMATION: Chris Christie.
THE OTHER MORMON MEAT AWARD: Jon Huntsman.
BEST NEWCOMER: Paul Ryan for his highly controversial script, “Roadmap for America’s Future.”
THE LUCKY IT WASN’T BITTEN OFF AWARD: Arizona Governor Jan Brewer.
MENSA’S SMARTEST MOVE OF THE YEAR: In a huge upset, Sarah Palin picks this one up for refusing to accept another supporting role.
THE HOW CAN WE MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY AWARD: Ron Paul.
BEST ENSEMBLE IN A MUSICAL OR COMEDY: The entire Republican Party Presidential Nomination cast.
BEST ACTOR: Body of work award goes to Speaker of the House John Boehner for various portrayals as outraged defender of fiscal responsibility, obstinate party stalwart and sophisticated gentleman to whom gracious cooperation is of the highest priority and doing it all while orange.
BEST DIRECTION: The Koch Brothers.
THE BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD AWARD: Barack Obama.
Political comic Will Durst has a new book out, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” available from Ulysses Press. A Midwestern baby boomer with a media- induced identity crisis, Durst, according to the New York Times is “quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country today.” This equal opportunity offender is exceptionally adept at swatting both partisan political piñatas upside their heads.